Yes I am using this blog as a diary of sorts. Right now I am in a calm-ish mood, no “tempest sighs” or “tear floods” as our good old friend John Donne would say (A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning for those of you interested in the poem). No, today has been a busy day which therefore means it has been good.
The key thing with the anxiety I am experiencing is not to feed it with wasted time which lets your mind dwell on the not so great aspects of life. That’s where the fear mounts.
Unfortunately, I can’t do much about it in my sleep. That’s when it catches me out and I’m subjected to disjointed nightmares and inescapable circumstances.
Hopefully this doesn’t continue all summer…
To Do List’s work best for me personally, if you have an aim to complete for the day then there will be no need for medication.
Today I went to town with Gaby, bought a new razor, wet wipes and my most favourable cheese strings. Then we went back to hers and played Disney Trivial Pursuit (which I lost at grrr) and then took her dog Toby out for a walk, in which he ran after every single bus and cyclist that went by, truly talented in that regard.
And when I came home I found that my purse and shoes for prom had arrived as well as an unexpected gift from one of my mums friends, some books that she thought I might like.
As far as days go it was pretty good, the nagging anxieties were at the back of my mind and I actually started feeling like myself again.
But that apparently wouldn’t last long. I got an unknown call on my phone which turned out to be a close friend, her boyfriend although meaning well – lectured me on the phone for a good twenty minutes. I could feel myself spiralling as he assured me that getting into university wasn’t everything and going into detail about exams and examiners.
Again, I know he was trying to be helpful but the thought of school and exams and the horribly immediate future triggered me and I just needed to get off the phone.
That’s when the black mood descended on me. I automatically out of habit sook comfort from the one reliable source I had.
My boyfriend to me is like an orb of sunshine. Happy, untouchable and consistent. I know it’s terrible to depend on someone, push all your problems on them etc. But out of everyone he’s truly the only person who understands how to cope with me and calm me down.
It’s an abuse of power I know, to deal with a girlfriend constantly suffering from panic attacks, to be fine one moment and depressed the next. But he has done extremely well, and I feel extremely guilty.
I know it sounds sappy but I wish I didn’t have to go to University and be far away from everyone, I wish my mind wasn’t in this hazy, incoherent state but normal. I want to fast forward ten years and be living in a little cottage gardening and writing books with Alex.
Instead I’m forced to deal with the conflict in my head. If the feeling of being a deer caught in the headlights would seize anytime soon and I could get back to enjoying being myself I would very much appreciate it.
Anyway, I’m going to the doctors next Monday to talk to them more in detail about it.
I’ll write more tomorrow on how I’m feeling or perhaps do something more worth reading like a poem or book review.