Posted in poetry

Lifeline

Even if I cut all ties with the world

A piece of thread would still connect us,

Silver and durable

Not even the Fates could cut it.

All your easy smiles

That wash away the big bad thoughts

That threaten me with gnashing teeth

And long sharp claws.

Are instantly thwarted with your magic words

And a ruffling of hair.

You are my lifeline

Eternal, constant, the one certain light-

At the end of the tunnel.

Making life simply good again.

 

E.K.

 

 

Posted in Diary Entry

Diary Entry: 7th July- Hikes, Letters and Getting Personal

I’m in quite a panicky horrible state of mind at the moment and thought that writing would hopefully get me out of this state of mind.

Here goes. A big part of my world is to do with associations. Both negative and positive, for instance sun cream and BBQ smoke both connote happy and light thoughts. On the other hand, I have a big problem at the moment where I am scared of certain objects, scents, feelings and people. If I relate them to a negative instance then I just complete avoid them. For instance I’m a big Shakespeare fan but I have become incapable of reading any o of his works this Summer because they make me look back on past exam failings.

Even just writing that made my heart leap a little bit.

Another weird thing is that I feel guilty- all the time! Does that even make sense?

And I guess the cherry on top of this whole thing would be that today I received a letter from a service offering me behavioural cognitive therapy to get me out of this horrible state and to be honest I’m kind of scared about it.

I don’t want to delve into that place… At all. And especially not with a stranger.

But onto happier thoughts. I dragged Alex out to go on a hike yesterday. That might explain the short story I wrote yesterday. Of course I wasn’t really wearing a red dress but rather a red top, high waisted jeans and converse. Close enough eh?

Basically we went up the downs near us, me set with my backpack containing a billion things that we might need (but actually didn’t). And I got sun burnt.

But we say sheep and flowers and the tree cathedral – where we had one of our first dates. And basically it was really fun and I snacked on cheese strings. Although I nearly got us killed walking down a main road and sadly I did indeed actually see a dead bunny.

I think I’ll insert some pictures and you guys will get a sneak peek of my life (disclaimer: despite profile my hair is no longer white but brown).

And a funny thing is that after being outside for the first time in forever, Alex actually got ill the next day! That’s proof enough that he needs to get outside more!

But yes we had a fun little adventure full of fields, sheep, dogs and sunshine.

We’re dog sitting next week so there will probably be a lot of regular blogs on the little escapades that we get up to!

To summarise, moods are still swinging, the future still appears to be impending doom and I can’t stop listening to Bring Me The Horizon which is odd because I’m normally a Taylor Swift kinda gal.

 

Sincerely,

E

xxx

 

 

Posted in Diary Entry

Diary Entry~ 4th July

This is a celebratory day for the Americans if I am correct? And yet I feel awful or perhaps mildly off and panicked.

I’ve had a reasonably interesting couple of days including prom on Friday in which I did indeed win the Most Breakdowns award because my school is incredibly sensitive to mental health issues. Still, I’ll  be out soon if things go to plan.

I still need to sort out my accommodation but the thought of it makes me feel quite sick. I went to the GP today, they did two tests on me one for Anxiety and the other for Depression I scored high on both and start cognitive behavioural therapy soon.

What has my life  become?

A series of paranoid steps and events, everything  becoming emphasised and blown out of proportion. Is this normal? Nope.

How am I going to cope in University? And how will my relationship last with Alex? How will he cope with me when he’s struggling now.

I feel sick.

I went shopping today. I bought far too much and that’s just another thing to worry about. It always happens as well.

I’ve also realised that I need to exercise and my chapter for wattpad still isn’t finished. So typical, my life is  just full of incomplete tasks with little to none achievements. Let’s see how long this blog lasts, okay?

I’m sure it will become an unused dusty place on the internet. A collection of memories that I’ll attempt to blank as things escalate.

The calm panic is scary.

Yes, I am aware that was an oxymoron but it’s no less the truth. It’s an undercurrent that follows me around on a day to day basis just waiting to jump out at me when I least expect it.

I’m meant to be going to Alex’s tomorrow- I don’t want to go outside maybe I should just stay in and watch stuff all day.

No that’s a bad idea then I’d be giving into it.

Isn’t it weird how the human body is capable of causing such severe emotions and thoughts, do animals and plants experience depression? Perhaps being “blessed” with a self aware brain was a punishment rather than an advantage.

I can’t even get away from myself. That reminds me of a quote Alex’s mum, Suzie told me the other day. I wonder if I can remember who wrote it…. The extract was from Essays In Love by Alain de Botton in which the writer comments on watching the sun set and the beautiful view he was experiencing, however the only problem with this positive moment was bringing himself with him.

How funny? And yet it’s completely true, these horrid emotions are unavoidable I can’t leave them in the other room and say I’ll come back for you later. There’s no break and no easy way out, it’s going to take a lot of work to get me back to my current state.

Can I do it by August?

Who knows.

Sorry for the erratic thoughts of this post, I’ve fallen into a rut and had to keep myself occupied even if it meant being scarily honest on the internet.

I am worried about this treatment, hopefully it works…

Sincerely,

E

xxx

Posted in Uncategorized

Diary Entry~ 29th June

Hey guys, today has been a bit of a roller coaster of emotions, to be completely unoriginal. As I’m writing this I am still in my dressing gown, my rooms a tip and I have achieved next to nothing today.

As an update, I finally talked to Alex today and cleared the air. We talked a lot (actually technically I’m still on Skype with him whilst writing this entry) and now we understand each other.

There were some tears but I’m feeling a lot better about everything. I haven’t had a panic attack today which is good, but I am still unable to sleep.

Uuuuugh my to- do list is ever growing though!

Things Esther has to do today:

  • Write a chapter on Wattpad.
  • Gardening
  • Clean my room
  • Organise my clothes
  • Write a poem on this blog
  • Make dinner
  • Put the washing out
  • Take a bubble bath
  • Sort out feet for prom
  • Wear a face mask
  • Jog
  • Read
  • Draft out new story on Wattpad
  • Draft  out following chapters
  • Make hair appointment.
  • Finish Future Learn course.
  • List of top favourite animes to watch!

Something tells me I’m going to stuggle getting all this done today but oh well. I think some other posts on this blog other than these entries and poetry will probably include essays on writers and historical information as well as book reviews….

I just need to keep myself busy!

Anyway if I get my chapter out today at the very least I’ll feel good about things. Lets get motivaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaated!

Lots of love and jelly tots,

E

xxx

 

 

Posted in Diary Entry

Diary Entry~ 28th June

Walking on thin ice.

That’s how I would describe my day today. It was meant to be the official start to my summer with Alex’s final exam and pizza and anime back at mine.

And yes, it was fun in most regards but otherwise I just felt kinda blah. I already knew the day would come to an end and that I would be alone again.

It sounds selfish that I didn’t want him to leave if I had it my way. But  I get that everyone needs breathing space- especially when they have to deal with a depressed girlfriend whose mood swings are very unpredictable.

I guess I just don’t know how to handle myself… and Alex does. When I’m with him for even the shortest amount of time I start to feel myself again.

That’s not to mean that the relationship is perfect. Like I said, we are two very different people Alex loves being isolated and alone whereas I need to be surrounded with people and constantly have a go-to plan for the day.

Because of this there have been some clashes. Alex, despite spending most of his time alone playing games is extremely positive and cheerful, he doubts nothing, fears nothing… basically he lives the carpe diem life. Whereas I’m a worrier, plan for the future, feel like a failure type of person.

And because of these key differences sometimes I find that we struggle to communicate. If I call him upset the conversation is normally one sided with lots of pauses as I wait for him to reply, and when he doesn’t and I ask why not it’s because he doesn’t know what to say to me. He’s never been in my situation and therefore doesn’t understand how anyone could possibly not just get over things.

And I’m not criticising him, his outlook on life is enviable if anything. But sometimes a bit of reassurance would be nice. Instead of wanting alone time I would love for him to invite me over even if just for an hour for a hug and then go home.

Gawd I sound clingy. I know that but there’s  reason behind it. For instance, today I had possibly the worst episode ever, uncontrollable panic, scratching myself, hitting my head.

It was scary.

So scary that I dread being alone tomorrow. Even with a to- do list my days feel wasted and with my prom on Friday I am even more so filled with anxiety of seeing people I long to forget and trying to look put together.

The cruelest thing is that they even have a Most Breakdowns award, and guess whose the main contender!

Anyway to summarise my thoughts, I just want to be able to feel comfortable in my own skin again and enjoy spending time alone. My mum is already doubting my ability to go to University in a couple of months and I don’t blame her.

This was incredibly long but luckily I doubt anyone online will read this and if you have then I commend you. At least I have writing and my holiday to France to occupy my mind. Maybe I’ll get my hair cut or read a book tomorrow.

Who knows? I might even go for a walk!

Sincerely,

E

xxx

Posted in poetry

Inner Workings

Inside my brain is a meeting,

Of important executives.

Each one of them feeding,

The monster caged in it.

They regiment my emotions,

Pass the cogs down the

conveyor belt.

Each one of these employees,

Ignoring the monster

Who exaggerates being heartfelt.

 

It burns

It seethes

Takes over me

The monster is finally out!

 

Disrupting the production line

This chaos I’ll admit is mine

Through the guise I wear discreetly

That answers you back so

Sweetly.

 

 

A/N: The lead up to a panic attack. I like to imagine the inner workings of  the mind as something organised and rational but with hidden complexities that we subconsciously hide away. Admittedly my idea of this “regimented” process of the brain in itself could be seen as exaggerated in the sense that the brain is just as fickle as our own emotions.

I don’t know if any of that made any sense,

Sincerely,

E

Posted in Diary Entry

Diary Entry ~ 27th June

Hi there,

Yes I am using this blog as a diary of sorts. Right now I am in a calm-ish mood, no “tempest sighs” or “tear floods” as our good old friend John Donne would say (A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning for those of you interested in the poem). No, today has been a busy day which therefore means it has been good.

The key thing with the anxiety I am experiencing is not to feed it with wasted time which lets your mind dwell on the not so great aspects of life. That’s where the fear mounts.

Unfortunately, I can’t do much about it in my sleep. That’s when it catches me out and I’m subjected to disjointed nightmares and inescapable circumstances.

Hopefully this doesn’t continue all summer…

To Do List’s work best for me personally, if you have an aim to complete for the day then there will be no need for medication.

Today I went to town with Gaby, bought a new razor, wet wipes and my most favourable cheese strings. Then we went back to hers and played Disney Trivial Pursuit (which I lost at grrr) and then took her dog Toby out for a walk, in which he ran after every single bus and cyclist that went by, truly talented in that regard.

And when I came home I found that my purse and shoes for prom had arrived as well as an unexpected gift from one of my mums friends, some books that she thought I might like.

As far as days go it was pretty good, the nagging anxieties were at the back of my mind and I actually started feeling like myself again.

But that apparently wouldn’t last long. I got an unknown call on my phone which turned out to be a close friend, her boyfriend although meaning well – lectured me on the phone for a good twenty minutes. I could feel myself spiralling as he assured me that getting into university wasn’t everything and going into detail about exams and examiners.

Again, I know he was trying to be helpful but the thought of school and exams and the horribly immediate future triggered me and I just needed to get off the phone.

That’s when the black mood descended on me. I automatically out of habit sook comfort from the one reliable source I had.

Alex.

My boyfriend to me is like an orb of sunshine. Happy, untouchable and consistent. I know it’s terrible to depend on someone, push all your problems on them etc. But out of everyone he’s truly the only person who understands how to cope with me and calm me down.

It’s an abuse of power I know, to deal with a girlfriend constantly suffering from panic attacks, to be fine one moment and depressed the next. But he has done extremely well, and I feel extremely guilty.

I know it sounds sappy but I wish I didn’t have to go to University and be far away from everyone, I wish my mind wasn’t in this hazy, incoherent state but normal. I want to fast forward ten years and be living in a little cottage gardening and writing books with Alex.

Instead I’m forced to deal with the conflict in my head. If the feeling of being a deer caught in the headlights would seize anytime soon and I could get back to enjoying being myself I would very much appreciate it.

Anyway, I’m going to the doctors next Monday to talk to them more in detail about it.

I’ll write more tomorrow on how I’m feeling or perhaps do something more worth reading like a poem or book review.

Sincerely,

E