Posted in Love & Relationships

Love, What is it Good For?

This is a topic that I have been wanting to discuss on my blog for a while now.

I’m not criticising or even saying that this is everybody’s experiences but would like to merely observe and point out my own findings in this area.

Love. The strange chemical reactions that bounce around in our brains. It is literally like a drug, we crave it, we look for it.

I mean we all on some level want to feel the closeness of another human being. It’s like the itch that lives just beneath your skin when you have a secret to tell.

It’s almost like you’re saying, “Please get to know me, unearth all the hidden intricacies that live within me. I want to show you, I want to show someone.” And when you’re with them everything else melts away. Your heart picks up speed around them, there are very little boundaries between you.

You have essentially revealed your deepest darkest self to them. It can be dangerous.

But it can also produce a high like no over, all those endorphin’s seeping out from your skin like a thousand doves being released all at once. It can be freeing – but also binding.

Relationships and love in particular can also bring out our inner demons. Things that you previously didn’t have to think about all of a sudden seem relevant.

Envy, short temperateness and claustrophobia can also ensue in small doses. You can literally turn into a whole different person at times.

I wonder if that’s a natural response- to feel territorial?

It makes you wonder, what are they doing? Shouldn’t you go and see them? And little things that never bothered you or them suddenly come up.

Then again, that in a way is the gamble. You are literally showing someone every facet of your personality. Over time they’re going to see all your mood swings and emotional outbursts which seem to be over petty things.

All those things that beforehand you were able to tuck neatly away and show them a pre-made Marks and Spencer’s Own Dish rather than that shitty Tesco ready-meal that exists between the hours of 11-1pm before you’ve properly manufactured the pristine “everyday” appearance.

Wow, that was a bit of a ramble.

Sorry about that, but those were just my thoughts. My point is that relationships are revealing in the way that it is almost as though you gained access to your significant others mind.

But it’s definitely worth it in my own opinion. It takes a lot to “know” someone completely.

Ciao for now,

Esther 🙂

 

Advertisements
Posted in Diary Entry, life update

Daily Update: Prawn Crackers, Deadlines and Goodbyes

Hi again,

I appear to be doing a lot of journal-esque posts as of late. It’s because I’ve been working so much and have other deadlines that this blog has been a bit barren. But I hope my ramblings are sufficient entertainment for you all!

The last two days have been glorious because I haven’t been working. However, there was still a lot of low points which I will cover, but, also a lot of highs.

Yesterday didn’t have a fantastic start. It was riddled with misunderstandings which led to two very upset people. Although, in the end it turned out alright. Me and Ian headed to the canal and down into a tiny nook which was hidden away right next to the river. We sat and talked for a while and it was lovely and exactly what we both needed.

I think the problem was that I got so caught up in trying to please everyone that I forgot that I can actually put myself first. This is a core lesson that I’m still learning and although I found it difficult to communicate my annoyances and upsets- it was crucial in the end. The rest of the evening was spent with us eating Chinese and watching Outlander (something I got him into).

This morning was glorious. I had another lie in which was much needed after a week of waking at 7 am and we snuggled in bed and…. did other things until about half one. Then we got up and finished off some leftover takeaway for breakfast before then getting showered and dressed.

We also watched more Outlander.

It was quite sad though, because today was his last day with me as he was catching his train at half seven to go back to Brighton. I’m now not going to be seeing him for almost a month.

I have literally just written a sad poem on my other blog about saying goodbyes, if you haven’t already seen it here it is; https://goandcatchafallingstar.wordpress.com/

Moving on to more positive vibes. I responded to a couple of emails this morning and the result was a short story deadline for a Nottingham based magazine as well as some books that are being sent my way to review.

I am soooooooo excited, my fingers are already itching to write my story and I have two weeks or so to get it done. I have also just had another short story published online and have sent off an article on visiting Virginia Woolf’s house.

I might do another post and link it to my short stories online if any of you are interested?

I still have my father’s short story to finish as well… it looks I am going to be a busy gal!

Anyway my day finished with me walking back along the canal to get home chatting with my dad on the phone. I also met one of the old tenants again and chatted his ear off too. He seemed in awe of how the house had been transformed and gave me and Ralph some pro-tips on keeping it in a  liveable state.

So, although I am melancholy about Ian leaving I have more than enough to keep me occupied.

Ohhhh I just remembered I have university reading to do as well. I better crack on then!

See you tomorrow,

-E

Posted in Diary Entry, life update

Daily Update: Falling Off Bikes, Eating Noodles and Trying to Become a Writer

Hi again,

It’s me. This is just a short one to keep you updated on my shambles of a day.

I went to work this morning bright and early and was instantaneously  whizzed off my feet by non-stop phone calls, park rangers and new duty managers.

All this week I have pretty much been in the museum, a lovely Tudor house filled with intricate mazes and blocked off passageways. I intend to write a short story about it.  Anyway, my day didn’t drag as much but it was a thousand times more stressful- putting it lightly.

I think I handled it pretty well, after the billionth call in regards to Andy’s Dino Day was returned and my heart rate had gradually returned to normal.

However, I did have a lot of trouble with a pricing gun at one stage and ended up with my little finger caught in the damn thing and with my face, hands and arms covered in ink. And at the end of it all I couldn’t even get it to work…

When you’re a student you’re in this weird in-between stage of not being a child or teen anymore but also not being mature enough to consider yourself an adult.

I am nineteen years old and have no idea how to refill a pricing gun and still get puzzled when I get addressed as “Miss” or the “Nice lady.” I find myself looking around in shock, half expecting one of my supervisors to have been standing behind me the entire time.

Anyway, at the end of the day I was late getting out and after being a bit too eager on my bike made it barely a meter before flying off and landing on the gravel with a dull thud.

A man and his son came to help me and after seeing my bleeding hands and broken bike (the chain had fallen off and the breaks had broken) the man helped me put it all back together and asked me if I needed a hug.

And not in a creepy way. In a fatherly way, if that makes sense.

It was strange.

Yes, the fall fucked my knee up pretty bad (it’s still hurting even as I type this) but it was more the feeling of not wanting to be older.

I wanted to cry and have my parents patch me up, I didn’t like having responsibilities all of a sudden. Just for a moment, I wanted to forego all the debt and  bills and shifts and insurance.

I wanted summer to be what it used to be.

Childhood summers were never ending. I could read Mates, Dates and Inflatable Bras to my hearts content. Or make garishly pink and poorly constructed cupcakes in the kitchen (making a mess which me and my friends would later regret when my mother walked through the door). I loved those times.

Now there was never enough time to get the infinite number of things done. Juggling everything at once; earning a wage, saving money, university reading lists, normal reading lists, writing, blogging, short stories, networking, socialising and much much more.

Work has been good for trying to get writing stints. The key is to just keep chatting to everybody. Like I said in my previous post a lot of people turned out to be writers and I hope that I’ll get the chance to interview them and learn more about what they do.

Anyway, I am now lying here, very bruised and cut up from falling earlier whilst my lovely boyfriend makes me instant noodles.

Last night I fell asleep very early and he took my makeup off for me and put me to bed. He really is a good egg.*

*FYI that’s the best egg you can be.

Speak soon tomorrow,

-E

Artwork by bikeyface.com

Posted in Diary Entry, life update

Daily Update: Lacking Motivation, Tears and Eating My Weight in Pasta

That title is very depressing.

Wow.

I would like to say that it’s click bait but it really isn’t. This is my life today and I have to be okay with it.

Plus, the thing about blogging is that I need to be honest. Otherwise, really what’s the point. It wouldn’t be interesting if every post was, “Today I woke up and everything was perfect and my day was great. The end.”

Not at all. We are getting all up into the nitty gritty.

Today is going to work and being bored out of my wits.

Today is finally talking to my ex and trying to be friends, and it actually going well. But today is also getting a tad upset and feeling a bit lonesome and listening to sad music and the Scott Pilgrim soundtrack- to the point that Freya tells Holly that she is concerned by my spotify playlists.

But yes, I am sitting here with a plate full of pasta, some mango juice (nearly empty) and my dressing gown on.

All the while staring at a blank Word document with the word Lollard’s written on it and not a will in the earth to actually begin it.

I also have three drafts on wordpress for book and movie reviews that again I have zero motivation to actually finish.

Embrace when you’re sad. Sometimes you need to know what your body needs. So if crying down the phone to one of your best friends about it helps, if angry country music is therapeutic and food. Then just do it.

There will be other, happier days. Today isn’t one of them. But all we can do is be honest with ourselves and then get ourselves together and say chin up!

Life’s a bitch and so am I! 😉

-E xxx

Posted in life update

Life Update: Being Single, Friends and Crying (With Laughter) Over Spilt Milk

This is yet another life update, seeing as the last one was very rushed and pretty short.I am currently watching one of my closest friends Natalie pack away her things. She has been living with me for over a week now during Easter break. She’s originally from Malaysia, and catered accommodation kicks everyone out over the breaks which is brutally unfair.

It’s been a pretty eventful time, with a brief visit home for about 4 days on which she accompanied me. We went to St Alban’s to the cathedral and she even got to witness a full blown family dinner – with authentic arguments and more!

My brother introduced (yet another) new girlfriend, then proceeded to try and embarrass me in front of her and Nat. Although, it backfired horribly and he ended up looking even more douchey than usual. My sister came home, mid dinner, drunk and in tears because her so called “friends” had tricked her into eating meat after going without it for two years.

So yes, it was very interesting. And then there was the whole being afraid of bumping into anyone around town who knew about the breakup. I know that sounds very paranoid, but it is a very small town.

Here’s to being a single pringle. It’s a very weird feeling and I won’t lie that I still very guilty about the whole ordeal. But the space was much needed. I just needed to break ties with a lot of things from my old life that I associated with harder times. Unfortunately that meant the break up too.

I just need to learn how to be independent and on my own. I want to do so many things in life and just generally be a little more selfish. I am only 19 after all! We have our whole lives ahead of us!

I like the idea of being able to pick myself up and travel to a new place without anyone knowing who I was or having anything tying me to any one place. Sounds pretty cheesy, eh? I was even thinking about possibly becoming a travel writer. Getting paid to actually go to new places and write about the weird experiences (because believe me there would be a lot) I have. I mean weird shit happens to me almost daily, and that’s in England!

I have enjoyed having Natalie stay with me. We had a lot of laughs, most of them funnily enough to do with milk. There was the time we just bought some new milk and I aggressively pulled the fridge door open in which led to it somersaulting out 007 style and splitting. Milk everywhere. It was on several people’s snapchats.

The milk before that, Nat gave away to my neighbour in another flat. And the one we had before todays, we managed to consume in just ONE DAY.

We have a milk problem, I believe. I mean we drink the stuff like water haha!

Other than that, the only other thing I have to say is that I nearly got hit by a car today. Legit if I hadn’t stepped back onto the curb I would’ve been under their bonnet. Some guy saw it happen and said, “All my daysssss you should be dead, yeah?” to which I weirdly responded with a squeaky, “Sorry!” before hurrying off in embarrassment.

I have work tomorrow and they are trying to teach me how to make a billion different types of coffee which should be interesting, and by interesting I mean end in disaster…

I shall write more tomorrow, I am going to try and be as regular with this blog as I was last month. Which wasn’t amazing, but was good considering this is me we are dealing with aha!

Speak soon,

E xxx

Posted in Student Story Time, Uncategorized

Student Story Time: Clubs- The Good, The Bad and The Drunk

This is a special sort of Student Story Time as this is going to be a mish mash of stories I’ve heard as well as what I have witnessed at clubs. I’ve been going out quite a bit lately and so okaythese stories have been accumulating for a while and some are being used in my latest short story.

First things first I went to an event called Crisis a couple of weeks and goddamn was it an interesting night. My friend N (That’s what I will call her because a lot of these stories include her) got very pissed at prinks and proceeded to shoot around like a helium balloon that’s been let go of.

That is an accurate description of her energy I think.

On the bus into the city she drunk messaged her mum – whose in Malaysia by the way- and me being a good friend did damage control to reduce the amount of worrying on her mothers part. I responded pretending to be N and lied, saying that a drunk friend had gotten her phone. I am a good friend *pats own back*

After that, I had to convince N that getting into the club was actually a drama assessment and that she had to pass it, I even told her that one of our old drama teachers was going to be on the door as one of the bouncers! She was so drunk that this was the only way of getting her in, otherwise she was going to get kicked out for being too drunk.

The night then proceeded of her dashing around the place, me losing her, me doing one too many tequila shots getting bumped by someone at the bar and spitting the shot out all over the bartender.

I also fell down the stairs that night and still have bruised knees as well as I got asked if I wanted to go home with a random guy. I told him nope and that I was going to continue with my terrible dancing – to which he then responded saying that I wasn’t bad and that he had been watching me all night.

Creep alert.

drunkAlso this is how you know how drunk I am- when the slut dropping comes out to play. Don’t worry guys and gals it was only with my close friend Holly and was funny as heck.

When I got back (N got kicked out so I went back with her flat mates- I was staying at hers) she was crawling on the floor with nothing but her top and underwear on and asking us all if we could see her underwear.

I told you she was pissed.

And then there’s the run down on her snap chat – N with her head bleeding from hitting it on the side of her bedside table, N in the shower – fully clothed, N racing C on campus when drunk… and it goes on and on…

But yes that’s that story. Then there’s the weekend that just passed and the funnest prinks that I think I’ve ever had. There is photographic evidence of me picking up Freya and swinging her around and Ian doing the same but with Alex. Yes, ladies and gents my anti-social club hating boyf actually came out for a night on the town!

There was a lot of falling over involved on that night and a lot of 90s/ 2000s music going around. But me and Alex came back early and therefore missed the messy end of the night which seems to always occur (nothing too bad just drunkenness).drunkwinegame-of-thrones

The final prominent memory from drunk nights out would be that which occurred on Friday night when I went out with Molly and all of her Science pals.

It was a memorable night for lots of reasons, Molly’s poor attempt to queue skip, being rained on lots, people getting kicked out of Spoons…

But the starring moment was that when one of the guys randomly got his balls out in our kitchen and our good ol’ friend Liv walked in and saw them when everyone else had looked away.

Yes that happened.

So there you go ladies and gents. A student story time special! You’re either laughing right now or sitting there tutting and vowing that you will never drink again for fear that similar fates await you.

Ta ta for now!

-E xxx

Posted in Diary Entry, life update, Student Story Time

Student Story: Awkward Time at the GP

Hey there guys,

I have two film reviews that are underway but in the meantime I thought it might be fun to relay my experience at the Uni GP the other day.tmi

It  was quite a unique experience to say the very least.

So I apologise in advance if anything I am about to post is TMI but this is the trigger warning right here.

Still with me? Okay then, moving on…

For about two weeks I had been suffering with a UTI- if you don’t know what that means and need some clarification it basically felt like I was pissing fire everytime I went to the bathroom.

This is why I have the trigger warning.

I put it off and did every trick in the book- drank tonnes of water, bought health salts, avoided citrus, drank water and baking powder yada yada yada.

But nadda. Nothing. Nope.

So I caved and called the GP on campus and explained the situation, cringing the entire time.

And weirdly, they offered me an emergency appointment for that very day.
I am still pretty sure that emergency appointments should really be for more important things than urine infections, but then again the sooner I got the problem sorted the better really.

The latest appointment for that day though was halfway through my 2 hour lecture. So I went for half of it and got up and walked out half way through. Now this wouldn’t be a problem had it not been for the fact that the lecture had taken a long time to start due to technical problems.

So when I got up and awks-mermwalked out, everyone looked at me with shock, thinking I had enough. I even heard one person go “Oh shit!” and was later called “savage” by a girl in my seminar.

And to make things worse there are about 300+ people in my lectures.

Moving onto more awkward things… When I entered the GP’s office I was pretty much expecting to relay the problem, do a urine sample and get some antibiotics.

Which happened, but so did a lot of other things. Such as my GP getting all up in my sex life and even offering alternative positions etc.

“Now is your boyfriend always the one on top?” Hmmmmm… this is something I doubt I would tell my closest friends let alone a middle aged woman I had known for t-minus five minutes.

And then after asking about periods etc. She clapped her hands together and suggested I do a pregnancy test?!

Aaaaaagh! Can you imagine the panic? But I did the urine sample (I was so nervous walking to the bathrooms that I almost entered the mens, and then had to walk back holding the vial of wee) and then got my urine results.

As in she told me yes I did have a urine infection… And then she paused for a while. Now I was sitting on the edge of my seat because although I knew that THERE WAS A VERY VERY MINUTE POSSIBILITY I was still crapping myself waiting.

“Oh I forgot to say, you’re all clear- not pregnant.”

I almost collapsed onto the floor with relief. Even so, the way the nurse said it was kind of like lol I forgot to tell you everything’s fine.

Then I got given a whole lot of leaflets about birth control and was lectured again on how UTI’s were very common for girls in long distance relationships. And I kid you not her reasoning was that it’s because “You don’t see each other for ages and then when you do it’s just sex sex sex!” And then she banned me from doing the do for a while.

I wanted the ground to swallow me up.

But yes, that was my awkward student story time for this week. It was quite funny looking back and props to the lovely nurse for getting straight to the point. She was a lad.

Also, in case you were wondering (you probably weren’t and are more remalificent-awksgretting ever reading this post) I no longer have a UTI. Which I feel isn’t just a load off of my shoulders but also my friends.

Holly and Jack are testament to this as when we were in the library the other day they watched me get up and go to the toilet at least 5 times in an hour. To make things worse, the meds had a side effect of colouring the urine, so I would report back to them on the changing colours.

Nobody needed to know any of this.

I am sorry for anyone who made it to the end.

But ohhhh well! Talk more tomorrow!

-E xxx