Posted in Diary Entry

Diary Entry~ 4th July

This is a celebratory day for the Americans if I am correct? And yet I feel awful or perhaps mildly off and panicked.

I’ve had a reasonably interesting couple of days including prom on Friday in which I did indeed win the Most Breakdowns award because my school is incredibly sensitive to mental health issues. Still, I’ll  be out soon if things go to plan.

I still need to sort out my accommodation but the thought of it makes me feel quite sick. I went to the GP today, they did two tests on me one for Anxiety and the other for Depression I scored high on both and start cognitive behavioural therapy soon.

What has my life  become?

A series of paranoid steps and events, everything  becoming emphasised and blown out of proportion. Is this normal? Nope.

How am I going to cope in University? And how will my relationship last with Alex? How will he cope with me when he’s struggling now.

I feel sick.

I went shopping today. I bought far too much and that’s just another thing to worry about. It always happens as well.

I’ve also realised that I need to exercise and my chapter for wattpad still isn’t finished. So typical, my life is  just full of incomplete tasks with little to none achievements. Let’s see how long this blog lasts, okay?

I’m sure it will become an unused dusty place on the internet. A collection of memories that I’ll attempt to blank as things escalate.

The calm panic is scary.

Yes, I am aware that was an oxymoron but it’s no less the truth. It’s an undercurrent that follows me around on a day to day basis just waiting to jump out at me when I least expect it.

I’m meant to be going to Alex’s tomorrow- I don’t want to go outside maybe I should just stay in and watch stuff all day.

No that’s a bad idea then I’d be giving into it.

Isn’t it weird how the human body is capable of causing such severe emotions and thoughts, do animals and plants experience depression? Perhaps being “blessed” with a self aware brain was a punishment rather than an advantage.

I can’t even get away from myself. That reminds me of a quote Alex’s mum, Suzie told me the other day. I wonder if I can remember who wrote it…. The extract was from Essays In Love by Alain de Botton in which the writer comments on watching the sun set and the beautiful view he was experiencing, however the only problem with this positive moment was bringing himself with him.

How funny? And yet it’s completely true, these horrid emotions are unavoidable I can’t leave them in the other room and say I’ll come back for you later. There’s no break and no easy way out, it’s going to take a lot of work to get me back to my current state.

Can I do it by August?

Who knows.

Sorry for the erratic thoughts of this post, I’ve fallen into a rut and had to keep myself occupied even if it meant being scarily honest on the internet.

I am worried about this treatment, hopefully it works…




Posted in Uncategorized

Diary Entry~ 29th June

Hey guys, today has been a bit of a roller coaster of emotions, to be completely unoriginal. As I’m writing this I am still in my dressing gown, my rooms a tip and I have achieved next to nothing today.

As an update, I finally talked to Alex today and cleared the air. We talked a lot (actually technically I’m still on Skype with him whilst writing this entry) and now we understand each other.

There were some tears but I’m feeling a lot better about everything. I haven’t had a panic attack today which is good, but I am still unable to sleep.

Uuuuugh my to- do list is ever growing though!

Things Esther has to do today:

  • Write a chapter on Wattpad.
  • Gardening
  • Clean my room
  • Organise my clothes
  • Write a poem on this blog
  • Make dinner
  • Put the washing out
  • Take a bubble bath
  • Sort out feet for prom
  • Wear a face mask
  • Jog
  • Read
  • Draft out new story on Wattpad
  • Draft  out following chapters
  • Make hair appointment.
  • Finish Future Learn course.
  • List of top favourite animes to watch!

Something tells me I’m going to stuggle getting all this done today but oh well. I think some other posts on this blog other than these entries and poetry will probably include essays on writers and historical information as well as book reviews….

I just need to keep myself busy!

Anyway if I get my chapter out today at the very least I’ll feel good about things. Lets get motivaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaated!

Lots of love and jelly tots,





Posted in Diary Entry

Diary Entry~ 28th June

Walking on thin ice.

That’s how I would describe my day today. It was meant to be the official start to my summer with Alex’s final exam and pizza and anime back at mine.

And yes, it was fun in most regards but otherwise I just felt kinda blah. I already knew the day would come to an end and that I would be alone again.

It sounds selfish that I didn’t want him to leave if I had it my way. But  I get that everyone needs breathing space- especially when they have to deal with a depressed girlfriend whose mood swings are very unpredictable.

I guess I just don’t know how to handle myself… and Alex does. When I’m with him for even the shortest amount of time I start to feel myself again.

That’s not to mean that the relationship is perfect. Like I said, we are two very different people Alex loves being isolated and alone whereas I need to be surrounded with people and constantly have a go-to plan for the day.

Because of this there have been some clashes. Alex, despite spending most of his time alone playing games is extremely positive and cheerful, he doubts nothing, fears nothing… basically he lives the carpe diem life. Whereas I’m a worrier, plan for the future, feel like a failure type of person.

And because of these key differences sometimes I find that we struggle to communicate. If I call him upset the conversation is normally one sided with lots of pauses as I wait for him to reply, and when he doesn’t and I ask why not it’s because he doesn’t know what to say to me. He’s never been in my situation and therefore doesn’t understand how anyone could possibly not just get over things.

And I’m not criticising him, his outlook on life is enviable if anything. But sometimes a bit of reassurance would be nice. Instead of wanting alone time I would love for him to invite me over even if just for an hour for a hug and then go home.

Gawd I sound clingy. I know that but there’s  reason behind it. For instance, today I had possibly the worst episode ever, uncontrollable panic, scratching myself, hitting my head.

It was scary.

So scary that I dread being alone tomorrow. Even with a to- do list my days feel wasted and with my prom on Friday I am even more so filled with anxiety of seeing people I long to forget and trying to look put together.

The cruelest thing is that they even have a Most Breakdowns award, and guess whose the main contender!

Anyway to summarise my thoughts, I just want to be able to feel comfortable in my own skin again and enjoy spending time alone. My mum is already doubting my ability to go to University in a couple of months and I don’t blame her.

This was incredibly long but luckily I doubt anyone online will read this and if you have then I commend you. At least I have writing and my holiday to France to occupy my mind. Maybe I’ll get my hair cut or read a book tomorrow.

Who knows? I might even go for a walk!