Posted in Diary Entry

Diary Entry~ 4th July

This is a celebratory day for the Americans if I am correct? And yet I feel awful or perhaps mildly off and panicked.

I’ve had a reasonably interesting couple of days including prom on Friday in which I did indeed win the Most Breakdowns award because my school is incredibly sensitive to mental health issues. Still, I’ll  be out soon if things go to plan.

I still need to sort out my accommodation but the thought of it makes me feel quite sick. I went to the GP today, they did two tests on me one for Anxiety and the other for Depression I scored high on both and start cognitive behavioural therapy soon.

What has my life  become?

A series of paranoid steps and events, everything  becoming emphasised and blown out of proportion. Is this normal? Nope.

How am I going to cope in University? And how will my relationship last with Alex? How will he cope with me when he’s struggling now.

I feel sick.

I went shopping today. I bought far too much and that’s just another thing to worry about. It always happens as well.

I’ve also realised that I need to exercise and my chapter for wattpad still isn’t finished. So typical, my life is  just full of incomplete tasks with little to none achievements. Let’s see how long this blog lasts, okay?

I’m sure it will become an unused dusty place on the internet. A collection of memories that I’ll attempt to blank as things escalate.

The calm panic is scary.

Yes, I am aware that was an oxymoron but it’s no less the truth. It’s an undercurrent that follows me around on a day to day basis just waiting to jump out at me when I least expect it.

I’m meant to be going to Alex’s tomorrow- I don’t want to go outside maybe I should just stay in and watch stuff all day.

No that’s a bad idea then I’d be giving into it.

Isn’t it weird how the human body is capable of causing such severe emotions and thoughts, do animals and plants experience depression? Perhaps being “blessed” with a self aware brain was a punishment rather than an advantage.

I can’t even get away from myself. That reminds me of a quote Alex’s mum, Suzie told me the other day. I wonder if I can remember who wrote it…. The extract was from Essays In Love by Alain de Botton in which the writer comments on watching the sun set and the beautiful view he was experiencing, however the only problem with this positive moment was bringing himself with him.

How funny? And yet it’s completely true, these horrid emotions are unavoidable I can’t leave them in the other room and say I’ll come back for you later. There’s no break and no easy way out, it’s going to take a lot of work to get me back to my current state.

Can I do it by August?

Who knows.

Sorry for the erratic thoughts of this post, I’ve fallen into a rut and had to keep myself occupied even if it meant being scarily honest on the internet.

I am worried about this treatment, hopefully it works…

Sincerely,

E

xxx

Posted in poetry

Inner Workings

Inside my brain is a meeting,

Of important executives.

Each one of them feeding,

The monster caged in it.

They regiment my emotions,

Pass the cogs down the

conveyor belt.

Each one of these employees,

Ignoring the monster

Who exaggerates being heartfelt.

 

It burns

It seethes

Takes over me

The monster is finally out!

 

Disrupting the production line

This chaos I’ll admit is mine

Through the guise I wear discreetly

That answers you back so

Sweetly.

 

 

A/N: The lead up to a panic attack. I like to imagine the inner workings of  the mind as something organised and rational but with hidden complexities that we subconsciously hide away. Admittedly my idea of this “regimented” process of the brain in itself could be seen as exaggerated in the sense that the brain is just as fickle as our own emotions.

I don’t know if any of that made any sense,

Sincerely,

E

Posted in Diary Entry

Diary Entry ~ 27th June

Hi there,

Yes I am using this blog as a diary of sorts. Right now I am in a calm-ish mood, no “tempest sighs” or “tear floods” as our good old friend John Donne would say (A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning for those of you interested in the poem). No, today has been a busy day which therefore means it has been good.

The key thing with the anxiety I am experiencing is not to feed it with wasted time which lets your mind dwell on the not so great aspects of life. That’s where the fear mounts.

Unfortunately, I can’t do much about it in my sleep. That’s when it catches me out and I’m subjected to disjointed nightmares and inescapable circumstances.

Hopefully this doesn’t continue all summer…

To Do List’s work best for me personally, if you have an aim to complete for the day then there will be no need for medication.

Today I went to town with Gaby, bought a new razor, wet wipes and my most favourable cheese strings. Then we went back to hers and played Disney Trivial Pursuit (which I lost at grrr) and then took her dog Toby out for a walk, in which he ran after every single bus and cyclist that went by, truly talented in that regard.

And when I came home I found that my purse and shoes for prom had arrived as well as an unexpected gift from one of my mums friends, some books that she thought I might like.

As far as days go it was pretty good, the nagging anxieties were at the back of my mind and I actually started feeling like myself again.

But that apparently wouldn’t last long. I got an unknown call on my phone which turned out to be a close friend, her boyfriend although meaning well – lectured me on the phone for a good twenty minutes. I could feel myself spiralling as he assured me that getting into university wasn’t everything and going into detail about exams and examiners.

Again, I know he was trying to be helpful but the thought of school and exams and the horribly immediate future triggered me and I just needed to get off the phone.

That’s when the black mood descended on me. I automatically out of habit sook comfort from the one reliable source I had.

Alex.

My boyfriend to me is like an orb of sunshine. Happy, untouchable and consistent. I know it’s terrible to depend on someone, push all your problems on them etc. But out of everyone he’s truly the only person who understands how to cope with me and calm me down.

It’s an abuse of power I know, to deal with a girlfriend constantly suffering from panic attacks, to be fine one moment and depressed the next. But he has done extremely well, and I feel extremely guilty.

I know it sounds sappy but I wish I didn’t have to go to University and be far away from everyone, I wish my mind wasn’t in this hazy, incoherent state but normal. I want to fast forward ten years and be living in a little cottage gardening and writing books with Alex.

Instead I’m forced to deal with the conflict in my head. If the feeling of being a deer caught in the headlights would seize anytime soon and I could get back to enjoying being myself I would very much appreciate it.

Anyway, I’m going to the doctors next Monday to talk to them more in detail about it.

I’ll write more tomorrow on how I’m feeling or perhaps do something more worth reading like a poem or book review.

Sincerely,

E