Posted in advice, Feel Good Everyday

Confidence: An Open Letter to my Sixteen-Year-Old Self

We’ve all dealt with the crippling effects of low self-esteem in life at some point. It’s a given when you’re growing up – what with all the hormones and anxieties flying about.

For someone whose dealt with panic attacks and self-image problems in the past, I think for me confidence was something I really needed in order to survive my adolescent years. Which is why I’m writing this open letter to my younger self, to assure her that yes, life is difficult but loving yourself isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

So, what does the word mean to me?

My own personal definition of the word is very simple: feeling comfortable in your own skin. Such a simple concept in theory but in reality, it’s one of the most difficult things to put into practice.

When I was sixteen, I was a mess. Literally. I couldn’t speak to boys, I felt undervalued and like a waste of space in my friendship groups and seriously couldn’t understand why anyone else would want to socialise with me.

I would look around and see all these other people with their heads held high, being themselves and be in awe of them. How did they do it? Weren’t they terrified that what made them who they were wasn’t good enough?

My anxiety got so bad that I remember walking down the road, unable to raise my head and my breathing becoming more and more erratic.

Once, I was catcalled from a car by a group of twenty something boys. It was summertime and I was wearing a skater skirt and thin tights. I was completely fine in what I was wearing, looking back on it. However, at the time I was so embarrassed that I remember running home and changing.

And all because I didn’t have an ounce of self-confidence.

I now look back on my younger self and wish I could go back and shake her by the shoulders. Sixteen-year-old me wasn’t anywhere near all the things she thought she was and could have done so much more with her time and avoided so many problems had she simply grounded herself and said, “I have so much going for myself and so much to come.”

I also wish she’d have treated herself to a bubble bath every once in a while. Because honestly, feeling good is about loving all of you- the inside and the out.

Another thing I would have done would have been to introduce her to one of my favourite quotes a lot earlier on. I can’t quite remember where I first saw it. Had it been on a class wall as a poster? Or maybe I read it in a book? Wherever it was, it helps me to face up to my problems in time of need.

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

Eleanor Roosevelt is the author of that saying, and rightly so. People can only make you feel low about yourself if you let them. Remember Mini-Me that the persona you put out in the world is the one that’s going to be received.

If you come across as submissive and full of self-loathing then sooner or later someone’s going to take advantage of that and walk all over you.

But- if you stand up tall, slick on some red lipstick and walk with an air of confidence. Well, then the whole worlds your oyster. I mean look at how far we’ve come in those four years!

So, chin up- it only goes up from here.

Speak soon,

E x

Picture Source: https://www.pinterest.co.uk/pin/147000375317369862/

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Posted in poetry

Adrenaline Rush

I want that roller coaster feel

My emotions to be spilling out at the seams

To be on the edge of my seat

Like a terrible 80’s horror movie.

I don’t want to settle into a repetitive sequence

Taking on the same morbid role

As a piece of factory machinery

Which like an ever slowing pulse

Thuds, and thuds, and thuds eternally.

I want to be everything that youth stands for.

I want to be wild and loud

The regrets-but-at-least-they-happened

Not to be constantly second guessing my actions.

Wondering about work, putting off plans.

I want my fight or flight instincts to kick in

I want that adrenaline rush-

-And I’m going out there to get it.

 

-E

 

P.s. Just a little something to kick off the New Year 😉

Posted in fiction

Short Story: Demons

Life had a habit of screwing her over.

She was stood in the middle of the battlefield surrounded by enemies. She held her duel silver katanas in her hands and felt their power flow through her and into her bloodstream.

The adrenaline rushed over her and like a snarling tiger she leapt high into the air. The world slowed down before her as she cut through the air towards her opponent.

The black mist shifted and attempted to envelope her. Spinning her swords she shredded it to pieces and landed, with soft black pieces falling behind her like rose petals. She shrugged off the cold, dark memories that the beast had attempted to invoke and strove towards her next victim.

This one was a trick of the eye, one might look upon the supposed monster and only see a beatific vision. A mirage of sorts, she took in the glowing blue eyes and floppy dark hair and focused all her attention on getting past the quirked grin to reveal the evil hidden underneath.

“Drop the swords, and come closer.”

The demons voice was husky and deep, recreating images of lost summer days and past wants and yearns.

It was lust and greed, offering her everything she had ever wanted from a child up to an adult. It was begging her to come near, she could see a whole new world in the eyes of the demon. One where responsibility wasn’t an issue. Where she could spend money without any limits, gorge herself on food and entertainment.

Those hypnotic ice blue eyes looked wantingly at her and she could feel herself weakening.

“I can give you everything, you wouldn’t need any shields or weapons if you came with me. And I can disband the rest of your demons with just a simple click of my fingers.”

The dank dark space gave way to a ballroom atmosphere. She looked down to see her leather clad gear change into a sky blue and silver embellished ball gown.

“What the-” She started to say before suddenly being surrounded by hundreds of people all clamouring for her attention.

They were all identical looking and wearing black masks, blending them all together until they became just a babbling mass. Their screeches made her want to scream and she reached down for her weapons to find them gone.

“Shit!” She yelled at the top of her voice and started wading through the crowds, kicking and hitting anyone who got too close.

But it was no use. She was surrounded.

And then she was falling, down, down, down. Like Alice she found the ground no where beneath her.

Then there was a hand reaching towards her and pulling her up towards the light.

Relief flooded through her as she smiled at her would be hero.

When she opened her eyes, shock flooded through her system as it was the same demon that had taunted her just seconds earlier. That’s when she knew she was in deep trouble.

They were now in a single room, everything was coated in red velvet with a King Size heart shaped bed dominating the centre.

“Ready for me.” He asked with those bewitching eyes, and she realised she was unable to move on her own.

Frozen by his stare she could feel him using his power to control her movements and thoughts. She was being brainwashed.

Maybe this is for the very best, she thought to herself. I do want this, I do need this. Life would be so much easier. If she could just do things for herself for once rather than thinking of everything and everyone else.

What could possibly go wrong?

She climbed onto the bed and inched towards him. His expression was smug, his eyes spellbinding. As she gave over to him completely.

Then she grinned, just a breath away from his face, she slid the pocket sized knife from out of her shoe and plunged it deep into his heart.

The visage fell away, the make believe world collapsed completely and left a chaos ridden battlefield.

“Next.” She called out, her high heeled boot crushing the ugly beast beneath her. The glamour now gone she was able to see it for what it was.

Another demon attempting to infest her brain and break her confidence.

“Not today satan,” She muttered as the remainder of her opponents fled the scene.

THE END.

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in Feel Good Everyday

Feel Good Everyday Movement

Okay so this is quite an important post to me so please please please take the time to read this.

Like I said in my previous post life has been treating me kinda crappy and I have had enough of it!

Depression is not a fun thing to slip into and it feels like there are a hundred and one things to worry, be sad, get traumatised and mull over.happy

And I ask this, why must we only focus on the core bad things that happen in our lives?! Why do we have to be upset, why is appearing perfect online with a removed persona seen as cool or impressive?

So I want to start a new movement here on my blog- others can join in if you want but I propose that everyday you try to look for something that makes you smile and keep a tally. I also want to strive to put together a collection of posts following this one to show exactly what makes me happy!

I got this idea from a friend of mine called Kerry. She has a facebook page (which I shall link in a mo) which is all about loving yourself and being well.

She actually caught me on a bad day and I told her all the mumbo jumble that had been going on and she actually really helped me by sending me links to things and giving me the tip to keep a journal for when I really want to rant and doing a three step process to get things out, reflect and focus on the positives.

I originally thought that this blog would be my outlet but even I am not completely comfortable with telling the internet my entire story hehe. But yes, she listened, talked things through with me and instead of walking away feeling guilty for putting the burden of my problems on someone else/ the fear that it would somehow get back to someone I knew – instead I felt motivated to what she told me to do.

Okay here is the link:

https://www.facebook.com/kduffyarbonne/?fref=ts

Please, please take the time to watch her videos and listen to her message. Also, she really wants to hit 300 likes on her page before she reaches her 30th birthday and although she doesn’t know I’m doing this I would really love to surprise her!

yayAnyway, this was just the introduction to my new segment here on my blog inspired by Kerry and her brilliant message. I’m going to start every post for Feel Good Everyday with a song lyric that I’m currently loving and which has a positive message.

Comment below if you want to turn this into a tag and have a go too or even if you wish to suggest a song!

Sorry that this was long hehe 😀

-E

 

Posted in poetry

Shedding Skin

I used to think that shedding skin

Was such an evil twisted thing

Because that’s what they told me

So that’s what I thought.

The product they sold me

Was the product I bought.

Shedding skin leaves you vulnerable

Yes, this year having a tough shell is in.

Why be vulnerable

When you can be defensive?

Why would you willingly let everyone in?

But actually

Those with hard skin will often find

Old stubborn woes

That long should have been left behind.

New skin means rebirth

Starting anew

What is the point in letting old conflicts brew?

 

-E

Again all the news I seem to receive these days appears to be negative. I want to stop this in it’s tracks and stop feeling so frightened of my thoughts and feelings and instead rather embrace them. Look out for another post in the very near future because I want to start a movement inspired by my friend Kerry.

Stay tuned and stay happy!

Posted in poetry

Emotional People Are a Blessing in Disguise

It’s easy to be the weakest link

You’re the open book

You have no tricks up your sleeves

Like these other people thieving

Hearts and secrets

Capitalising from gossip

And false promises.

And yet in the end

We’re the ones they turn too.

The uh-oh I was an idiot to let them go.

We’re not cheaters.

Not con artists.

Plain sailing

Simple creatures

So don’t use sensitivity as an insult

Because it’s incredibly brave

To bare it all to the world.

 

-E

P.S. Listen to this if you’re feeling a bit down, because it takes courage to share your thoughts 🙂