Posted in Diary Entry, life update

Daily Update: Lacking Motivation, Tears and Eating My Weight in Pasta

That title is very depressing.

Wow.

I would like to say that it’s click bait but it really isn’t. This is my life today and I have to be okay with it.

Plus, the thing about blogging is that I need to be honest. Otherwise, really what’s the point. It wouldn’t be interesting if every post was, “Today I woke up and everything was perfect and my day was great. The end.”

Not at all. We are getting all up into the nitty gritty.

Today is going to work and being bored out of my wits.

Today is finally talking to my ex and trying to be friends, and it actually going well. But today is also getting a tad upset and feeling a bit lonesome and listening to sad music and the Scott Pilgrim soundtrack- to the point that Freya tells Holly that she is concerned by my spotify playlists.

But yes, I am sitting here with a plate full of pasta, some mango juice (nearly empty) and my dressing gown on.

All the while staring at a blank Word document with the word Lollard’s written on it and not a will in the earth to actually begin it.

I also have three drafts on wordpress for book and movie reviews that again I have zero motivation to actually finish.

Embrace when you’re sad. Sometimes you need to know what your body needs. So if crying down the phone to one of your best friends about it helps, if angry country music is therapeutic and food. Then just do it.

There will be other, happier days. Today isn’t one of them. But all we can do is be honest with ourselves and then get ourselves together and say chin up!

Life’s a bitch and so am I! ๐Ÿ˜‰

-E xxx

Posted in poetry

Poem: Stuck Record

Stuck in the same moment

My brain gets stuck in the same moment

Never ageing, never growing,

It feels like these grudges won’t let go

Of me

I bottle it up

But never set it out to sea

When will my head be free?

I’m a scrambled

Up game of cats cradle

Where do I start

When will I end?

Why don’t you try and untangle me

Run your fingers through my hair

Remind me of how it feels

To have you be there.

Because I try to let things go

I want to let the hurt dissipate

But I’m a stuck record

And I can’t change track

Unless you help me switch the Vinyl

Play some Beatles

Give me Doris Day

Anything to get the happy go lucky girl back.

Because I know you miss her

You want sunshine

And I give you clouds of grey.

You want happily ever after

Like we always talked about

But I’m a short fuse these days.

Bursts of laughter

Bursts of rage

And you’re afraid to get too close

To the ever present danger zone.

 

-E

 

 

 

Posted in fiction

Short Story: Nostalgic Love

1

The wind blew her long red tresses behind her back as she walked the ever so familiar trail around her old stomping ground.

The nostalgia hit her like a truck, and she was taken back to her university days and the evenings they had spent out getting wasted at the nearby pub.

So many fun nights and adventures. Everything was easier when your friends had been just a stones throw away.

And now she was back, five years since finishing her degree. She had been coming back home from an out of town work trip when she saw the exit on the motorway. Forgoing all rational thoughts she indicated left and turned off.

And now here she was.

She had a sudden flash back to their nights out clubbing, where they would all dance together and then he would grab her attention, standing out against all the masses of people. And it always ended up being just the two of them dancing at the end of the night.

She was thinking this as she walked into the old pub, her heeled black boots making the floor boards groan underfoot appearing to agree with her that yes, a lot of time had passed.

And yet it felt exactly the same.

What was she doing here though? She walked up to the bar and ordered a gin and tonic. She downed it all in one as she watched a young couple flirt and chat together in the corner. They twisted their hands together and as the music played they leaned in close to each other, whispering and laughing as they drank each other up.

Her life since then had been one of a divorcee, no children and with an empty void to fill. She wandered what it was like to feel that thrill of new love or even lust again…

2

“Aurora!” He yelled from across the bar. I wobbled over, feeling the alcohol having gone to my head. I was a light weight as per usual.

I tripped and fell into him, and grabbed his hand. I looked up into his deep hazel eyes and felt butterflies tumble around my stomach. His gaze was intense, and it felt like the most sober and dawning moment that either of us had ever experienced.

I brushed the event off and realised that I had been staring at the two teens for a little too long. The whole affair had been silly, he had lived in Scotland and I was down in Chelsea. And we had both been seeing different people, he had a long distance relationship going and I had gone to university with my childhood sweetheart.

The only time either of us had acted on the mutual feelings that we’d had for each other was at a club, alone and in a dark corner when with the adrenaline flowing through our bloodstreams mixing and mingling with the alcohol we had been consuming all night long, we leaned in and kissed.

I remembered the shadows dancing off of his pale and freckly face, as he smirked adoringly down at me. And in that instant everything had been perfect until a curt voice sliced through the silence and like a deafening screech drew our brief rendezvous to an end.

“Smile!” Off went a flash as one of the annoying club photographers snapped a picture. Our guilty faces were caught on camera, frozen in time.

3

“Can I get you another, lady?” I enquired from behind the bar as I wiped down the surfaces with a beer soaked cloth.

I only looked up when I heard a muffled gasp and had to stifle my own when I came face to face with the one girl I thought I would never see again after graduation.

“Raphael?” She asked hesitantly, her eyes were the same green they had been all those years ago. They were just as big and bright and although she had clearly matured, she was just as sultry and hopelessly tempting as before.

Her hair was still unruly and long, swishing around her hips like a fierce mane. And I felt myself transported to all the years we had spent together and the abrupt farewell that we had both felt obligated to have.

I realised that I still hadn’t replied and with a jolt I snapped back into the situation at hand.

“Hi! Long time no see!” I blurted out, and saw her eyebrows raise in surprise at my nervous manner. I had never been a shy guy but rather the opposite with a confident disposition and quite a loud mouth.

Oh shit, I thought to myself. Here I am behind a bar, still in the same city and town where we went university. I felt the need to explain myself rather than look as though I was hopelessly stuck in the past.

“So you’re a bartender now? I didn’t realise you worked here, I was just on the motor way and thought I’d drop by this place for old times sake,” She gulped down her second gin and tonic, and I too decided to pour myself one even if I was technically on the job.

There was an awkward silence, and then the unifying clink of our glasses as we set the down on the counter at the same time.

“Yeah, well it was more I went into becoming a lawyer and found it incredibly boring so came back here and bought this place. I’m my own boss now.” I replied and watched her eyes light up and that familiar half smile dance across her lips.

“I am so jealous of you, we had so many great memories here. I guess I really missed this place and just wanted to come back to it to be honest with you. Life’s been… tough…” She trailed off and fidgeted with her finger, where I noticed a tan line from where a wedding ring had obviously once been.

My heart jumped a little and all the things I had never said and done came flooding into my mind as her face blushed a deep red.

“Well, have a nice evening. I didn’t mean to bore you Raph I was just passing through. But I’m glad things are going well for you and that you’re all settled now.” She stood and walked towards the door. My mouth was fully agape and I got deja vu to the last time that she had walked out of my life.

Without thinking, I hopped over the counter and dashed out the door after her. She was standing in the street with shivering in the rain as she attempted to find her car.

I heard her grumbling under her breath.

“So… so stupid! You idiot! Of course he’s settled. Of course he’s doing well. I should have never walked in there.” She berated herself under her breath.

Silently, and in that joking way that I used to do to her at uni- I crept up behind her and wrapped my arms tight around her and shook as hard as I could.

She let out a little yelp, her body going rigid before relaxing into me. She giggled girlishly and twisting around they both melded into one.

4

It was like no time had passed, and as though the two most identifiable landmarks in their lives had merged into one perfect moment.

THE END.

Hi guys, it’s me here and I was just leaving this little note to apologise for being absent for so long but that hopefully I’ll be spitting out more short stories in the run up to Christmas. So far I have completed two! I hope everyone’s having a lovely Christmas and just wanted to remind everyone to jump on every opportunity they can! :)xxx – picture credit : found from Wikihow online.ย 

 

 

Posted in Diary Entry

Broken Laptops, Bartending and A Korean Movie About A Girl Who Thought She Was A Robot.

From the title you can probably guess that today’s been quite weird.

I know my activity on this blog has been pretty much non-existent since coming to University but that’s honestly just because there has been no time for anything. It would also seem that everything good and everything horribly bad is systematically happening all at once.ย monsters-university-o

For instance, as I am typing this my laptop is currently flickering like a dodgy light shade and I’m on my period.

TMI? Sorry, but I tend to speak my mind if you haven’t already guessed. So yes, where was I? I headed back from visiting Alex in Coventry today- and grabbed the coach at 9:25 am. That is, after having a huge panic that I’d woken up late when in fact the clocks had just gone back an hour. Or is it forward…. anyway it meant that I was in fact early instead of incredibly late.

It does mean that I am missing Alex a lot right now though, especially knowing that I have no-one to wake up to in the morning.

That is, other than my six other flat mates I suppose. But you get what I mean. We also met up with James and Deed as well as James’ flat mate Juan whom I think considers himself a bit of a heart throb from what I’ve heard hehe.

bennSo yes it was very nice and very odd seeing everyone (we went to go see the movie Dr. Strange which has rekindled my love of Benedict Cumberbatch and then headed out for pizza afterwards leaving Juan to get a bus home to study.

Oh no my laptop’s glitching again which is pretty annoying but I guess I’m just going to have to live with it until it gets fixed.

Oh yeah! That’s the other thing, I ended up having a job interview today and went to the completely wrong place by accident.And apparently I start next Friday which is both good/ bad because it means yay to money but boo because I was meant to go home for my birthday that weekend and now I can’t.

Gosh I’m really missing home at the moment. Like really really and Tango I miss him as well. But I can’t really say no to Mr. Boss man because otherwise he’ll give the job to someone else. At least if nothing else I was told he preferred me because I sounded smiley on the phone.

As for the last part of this strangely complex day, I ended up going to the alternative movie societies’ screening (Dark Celluloid is there name) to watch a Korean movie where a girl i-am-a-cyborgthinks she’s a cyborg and refuses to eat and then a guy who hops around wearing a rabbit mask helps her and they both fall in love.

There was also a funny scene concerning some flying socks.

So yeah, my laptop is breaking, I’m struggling to catch up with the work I’ve missed since swapping from joint to single honours, I have a million books to read, a DBS form to fill out and a bartending job which I’m praying I won’t screw up and life is just feeling rather odd to be honest.

I think I’ll crack on with work tomorrow and fill you in on Tuesday hopefully.

-E

Posted in poetry

Harmless Love and Razor Hearts

My thoughts are open

My heart is warm

Deceit and superstition

Are slowly being drained away

Like a poison that once festered

Slowly it seeps out.

Love is harmless, questionable and complicated.

But it’s love at the end of the day

And some days I am hard as a rock

Stubborn, irritable and like a girl crying wolf

But others, more often now

I lead with my heart and my feelings

Not so headstrong

But still strong enough to push the demons away

In return for your millionaire smile

Which is priceless to me

So forget the pointy shards of glass that dig into you

Because they are made of ice

And you melt them with a kiss.

-E

 

Posted in poetry

Lifeline

Even if I cut all ties with the world

A piece of thread would still connect us,

Silver and durable

Not even the Fates could cut it.

All your easy smiles

That wash away the big bad thoughts

That threaten me with gnashing teeth

And long sharp claws.

Are instantly thwarted with your magic words

And a ruffling of hair.

You are my lifeline

Eternal, constant, the one certain light-

At the end of the tunnel.

Making life simply good again.

 

E.K.

 

 

Posted in fiction

Story: Wrapped in Darkness.

She sat at home and looked at the screen. The cursor appeared and disappeared repeatedly as she sought something to write about.

Fiction appeared to come so easily to some people and she had a huge imagination but it was always left unfinished, wayward and never meeting her expectations. Still, today had been eventful. Her and her knight had decided to go on a walk.

She’d worn the crimson dress, the one that layers fell like perfectly formed petals around her form. And he of course turned up in black jeans and his favourite worn black polo top.

The trees leaned over them, swaying side to side the murmurs of their conversations floating through the air and being carried away by the light summer breeze.

She turned to look at him, her brown hair fanning around her face as he shoved his hand in his pockets and grinned at her easily.

She attempted to gracefully tiptoe through the mildewed grass but tripped and fell to the floor.

Her mind raced as she dug her hands into the dirt. It turned out that the ground wasn’t a glistening emerald sea as she had been tricked into believing but rather crawling with bugs and decomposing flesh as she saw a dead rabbit being attacked by flies feasting on the creatures innards.

Oh no, oh no, oh no! The world was full of death and decomposition. Each and every being a heartless monster ready to feed on the innocent. Glancing around, her eyes drank in the dark and dreary forest and the blank eyes that looked out at her. The trees now appeared intimidating as they towered above her. And the flowers were slumped over, lying like dead maidens whose youth this forest had drank away.

She was in a deep hole, the walls of which filled with worms and bugs that clicked and cackled at her as she attempted to climb the steep incline above her.

It was a nightmare. And worse than death. She was alone, she was terrified and could feel herself falling apart. Her mouth was dry and words seemed to fail her. She tried to cry out for anyone, anything to help her but the cruel wind robbed her of ย her voice. Her arms no longer worked and her skin instead of dewey alabaster seemed to flake off like dry paint, her eyes were becoming cloudy and she felt her body croak and groan as she fell deeper and deeper.

She became wrapped in darkness.

Then suddenly a hand extended ย itself to her. Stunned, she was thrown a ladder down the hole and slowly but surely with the help of the hand was able to escape the pit.

It was tedious and long, the panic still mounted from time to time but it wasn’t as all encompassing as before. Someone was there to guide her out of the hell she had created.

When she finally reached the top she met a familiar gawkish grin and blinked as the darkness was replaced with the light embrace of the knight. He was unafraid and strong -prepared to keep the darkness at bay. His brown hair was dishevelled and he coaxed her out of hiding the dark parts of her, looking all the while like a spooked doe eyed deer. He wasn’t disgusted by her insecurities and was prepared to fight the enemies that grew inside her mind, fending them off with humour and wit.

Occasionally, it made attempts to overpower her, twisting her reality and allowing the fear to seep through her defences. But he alongside a small gang of rebels were always there to fend it off.

 

Just a little short story about depression and escaping something that appears so big and all encompassing. We all need a little help and I was inspired to write this after going for a long hike today with my boyfriend, anything to escape my own thoughts. Hope someone enjoyed it. This is a way I think appropriately explains my panic attacks, as something so small can sometimes send me into a tizzy of fear and dread.ย 

Sincerely,ย 

E

xxx