Posted in Feel Good Everyday

Feel Good Everyday Movement

Okay so this is quite an important post to me so please please please take the time to read this.

Like I said in my previous post life has been treating me kinda crappy and I have had enough of it!

Depression is not a fun thing to slip into and it feels like there are a hundred and one things to worry, be sad, get traumatised and mull over.happy

And I ask this, why must we only focus on the core bad things that happen in our lives?! Why do we have to be upset, why is appearing perfect online with a removed persona seen as cool or impressive?

So I want to start a new movement here on my blog- others can join in if you want but I propose that everyday you try to look for something that makes you smile and keep a tally. I also want to strive to put together a collection of posts following this one to show exactly what makes me happy!

I got this idea from a friend of mine called Kerry. She has a facebook page (which I shall link in a mo) which is all about loving yourself and being well.

She actually caught me on a bad day and I told her all the mumbo jumble that had been going on and she actually really helped me by sending me links to things and giving me the tip to keep a journal for when I really want to rant and doing a three step process to get things out, reflect and focus on the positives.

I originally thought that this blog would be my outlet but even I am not completely comfortable with telling the internet my entire story hehe. But yes, she listened, talked things through with me and instead of walking away feeling guilty for putting the burden of my problems on someone else/ the fear that it would somehow get back to someone I knew – instead I felt motivated to what she told me to do.

Okay here is the link:

https://www.facebook.com/kduffyarbonne/?fref=ts

Please, please take the time to watch her videos and listen to her message. Also, she really wants to hit 300 likes on her page before she reaches her 30th birthday and although she doesn’t know I’m doing this I would really love to surprise her!

yayAnyway, this was just the introduction to my new segment here on my blog inspired by Kerry and her brilliant message. I’m going to start every post for Feel Good Everyday with a song lyric that I’m currently loving and which has a positive message.

Comment below if you want to turn this into a tag and have a go too or even if you wish to suggest a song!

Sorry that this was long hehe πŸ˜€

-E

 

Posted in Diary Entry

Diary Entry: 7th July- Hikes, Letters and Getting Personal

I’m in quite a panicky horrible state of mind at the moment and thought that writing would hopefully get me out of this state of mind.

Here goes. A big part of my world is to do with associations. Both negative and positive, for instance sun cream and BBQ smoke both connote happy and light thoughts. On the other hand, I have a big problem at the moment where I am scared of certain objects, scents, feelings and people. If I relate them to a negative instance then I just complete avoidΒ them. For instance I’m a big Shakespeare fan but I have become incapable of reading any o of his works this Summer because they make me look back on past exam failings.

Even just writing that made my heart leap a little bit.

Another weird thing is that I feel guilty-Β all the time!Β Does that even make sense?

And I guess the cherry on top of this whole thing would be that today I received a letter from a service offering me behavioural cognitive therapy to get me out of this horrible state and to be honest I’m kind of scared about it.

I don’t want to delve into that place… At all. And especially not with a stranger.

But onto happier thoughts. I dragged Alex out to go on a hike yesterday. That might explain the short story I wrote yesterday. Of course I wasn’t really wearing a red dress but rather a red top, high waisted jeans and converse. Close enough eh?

Basically we went up the downs near us, me set with my backpack containing a billion things that we might need (but actually didn’t). And I got sun burnt.

But we say sheep and flowers and the tree cathedral – where we had one of our first dates. And basically it was really fun and I snacked on cheese strings. Although I nearly got us killed walking down a main road and sadly I did indeed actually see a dead bunny.

I think I’ll insert some pictures and you guys will get a sneak peek of my life (disclaimer: despite profile my hair is no longer white but brown).

And a funny thing is that after being outside for the first time in forever, Alex actually got ill the next day! That’s proof enough that he needs to get outside more!

But yes we had a fun little adventure full of fields, sheep, dogs and sunshine.

We’re dog sitting next week so there will probably be a lot of regular blogs on the little escapades that we get up to!

To summarise, moods are still swinging, the future still appears to be impending doom and I can’t stop listening to Bring Me The Horizon which is odd because I’m normally a Taylor Swift kinda gal.

 

Sincerely,

E

xxx

 

 

Posted in fiction

Story: Wrapped in Darkness.

She sat at home and looked at the screen. The cursor appeared and disappeared repeatedly as she sought something to write about.

Fiction appeared to come so easily to some people and she had a huge imagination but it was always left unfinished, wayward and never meeting her expectations. Still, today had been eventful. Her and her knight had decided to go on a walk.

She’d worn the crimson dress, the one that layers fell like perfectly formed petals around her form. And he of course turned up in black jeans and his favourite worn black polo top.

The trees leaned over them, swaying side to side the murmurs of their conversations floating through the air and being carried away by the light summer breeze.

She turned to look at him, her brown hair fanning around her face as he shoved his hand in his pockets and grinned at her easily.

She attempted to gracefully tiptoe through the mildewed grass but tripped and fell to the floor.

Her mind raced as she dug her hands into the dirt. It turned out that the ground wasn’t a glistening emerald sea as she had been tricked into believing but rather crawling with bugs and decomposing flesh as she saw a dead rabbit being attacked by flies feasting on the creatures innards.

Oh no, oh no, oh no! The world was full of death and decomposition. Each and every being a heartless monster ready to feed on the innocent. Glancing around, her eyes drank in the dark and dreary forest and the blank eyes that looked out at her. The trees now appeared intimidating as they towered above her. And the flowers were slumped over, lying like dead maidens whose youth this forest had drank away.

She was in a deep hole, the walls of which filled with worms and bugs that clicked and cackled at her as she attempted to climb the steep incline above her.

It was a nightmare. And worse than death. She was alone, she was terrified and could feel herself falling apart. Her mouth was dry and words seemed to fail her. She tried to cry out for anyone, anything to help her but the cruel wind robbed her of Β her voice. Her arms no longer worked and her skin instead of dewey alabaster seemed to flake off like dry paint, her eyes were becoming cloudy and she felt her body croak and groan as she fell deeper and deeper.

She became wrapped in darkness.

Then suddenly a hand extended Β itself to her. Stunned, she was thrown a ladder down the hole and slowly but surely with the help of the hand was able to escape the pit.

It was tedious and long, the panic still mounted from time to time but it wasn’t as all encompassing as before. Someone was there to guide her out of the hell she had created.

When she finally reached the top she met a familiar gawkish grin and blinked as the darkness was replaced with the light embrace of the knight. He was unafraid and strong -prepared to keep the darkness at bay. His brown hair was dishevelled and he coaxed her out of hiding the dark parts of her, looking all the while like a spooked doe eyed deer. He wasn’t disgusted by her insecurities and was prepared to fight the enemies that grew inside her mind, fending them off with humour and wit.

Occasionally, it made attempts to overpower her, twisting her reality and allowing the fear to seep through her defences. But he alongside a small gang of rebels were always there to fend it off.

 

Just a little short story about depression and escaping something that appears so big and all encompassing. We all need a little help and I was inspired to write this after going for a long hike today with my boyfriend, anything to escape my own thoughts. Hope someone enjoyed it. This is a way I think appropriately explains my panic attacks, as something so small can sometimes send me into a tizzy of fear and dread.Β 

Sincerely,Β 

E

xxx