Posted in Diary Entry, life update

Boxing Day; Cousins, Realisations and A Lot of Trivia

Hi guys, just thought I’d have a little check in to let you know how my day’s been. I mean technically it’s the 27th now but oh well we can pretend right.

I have had a dawning realisation since being home in this town and that’s that I’ve grownwho-cares out of a lot of things. The things that were important to me before are not anymore – not in a bad sense but just that they don’t mean life or death to me anymore as they used to.

I can live without a lot of things, I even find myself turning down social interactions just so I can crack on with my writing (you must have noticed that I’ve been a lot more active on this blog). I used to care about the number of likes and views on my blog, now I just care about the therapeutic nature of writing and having a place where I can store my life and memories.

So, what have I done today?

My Auntie and cousins came down from Coventry to visit us for boxing day and to be
honest I was a little apprehensive about the idea due to all the work I have had to do. In the end I really enjoyed going down and messing around with them all. It was a lot of fun meeting my cousins new boyfriend, chatting about anime and me lecturing them both on WW2 and literature.

(They’re both about to do their GCSE’s you see)

And joking around with my Aunt and Uncle, and chasing my little 7 year old cousin around the house- although the little sod did accidentally kick me in the throat. My friend Freya would have been impressed with his karate moves aha!

And then my parents friends Helen and Alex joined us too and we chatted about books and university life. It was incredibly fun, and then my cousins et al left and we all played trivia. Danny (brother) got peed off that he didn’t know any of the answers though and went upstairs sulkily.

Funny boy.

So yeah that’s howboxing-day my days been thus far. After that, I headed upstairs, danced to some Bowie and did some linguistic work. I was going to crack on with my Hero and Leander poem but to be honest I want a whole day to invest into researching and writing that up. And I was in the mood to get some work done whilst listening to music (something I can only do when writing notes and not when I actually have to be paying attention).

But yes, this has been my day. I could probably get through another workshop for linguistics but I’m knackered and would much rather watch some netflix and drift to sleep.

Also, I might as well document that my emotions have been a roller coaster of late and I stayed up till three am last night writing angrily in my journal and listening to The Clash.

I truly am a strange one…

-E

xxx

P.S. ^^^ This is pretty much the only thing that comes up on Google Images when you type in Boxing Day gif…

 

Posted in poetry

Poem: Stuck Record

Stuck in the same moment

My brain gets stuck in the same moment

Never ageing, never growing,

It feels like these grudges won’t let go

Of me

I bottle it up

But never set it out to sea

When will my head be free?

I’m a scrambled

Up game of cats cradle

Where do I start

When will I end?

Why don’t you try and untangle me

Run your fingers through my hair

Remind me of how it feels

To have you be there.

Because I try to let things go

I want to let the hurt dissipate

But I’m a stuck record

And I can’t change track

Unless you help me switch the Vinyl

Play some Beatles

Give me Doris Day

Anything to get the happy go lucky girl back.

Because I know you miss her

You want sunshine

And I give you clouds of grey.

You want happily ever after

Like we always talked about

But I’m a short fuse these days.

Bursts of laughter

Bursts of rage

And you’re afraid to get too close

To the ever present danger zone.

 

-E

 

 

 

Posted in Feel Good Everyday

Feel Good Everyday Movement

Okay so this is quite an important post to me so please please please take the time to read this.

Like I said in my previous post life has been treating me kinda crappy and I have had enough of it!

Depression is not a fun thing to slip into and it feels like there are a hundred and one things to worry, be sad, get traumatised and mull over.happy

And I ask this, why must we only focus on the core bad things that happen in our lives?! Why do we have to be upset, why is appearing perfect online with a removed persona seen as cool or impressive?

So I want to start a new movement here on my blog- others can join in if you want but I propose that everyday you try to look for something that makes you smile and keep a tally. I also want to strive to put together a collection of posts following this one to show exactly what makes me happy!

I got this idea from a friend of mine called Kerry. She has a facebook page (which I shall link in a mo) which is all about loving yourself and being well.

She actually caught me on a bad day and I told her all the mumbo jumble that had been going on and she actually really helped me by sending me links to things and giving me the tip to keep a journal for when I really want to rant and doing a three step process to get things out, reflect and focus on the positives.

I originally thought that this blog would be my outlet but even I am not completely comfortable with telling the internet my entire story hehe. But yes, she listened, talked things through with me and instead of walking away feeling guilty for putting the burden of my problems on someone else/ the fear that it would somehow get back to someone I knew – instead I felt motivated to what she told me to do.

Okay here is the link:

https://www.facebook.com/kduffyarbonne/?fref=ts

Please, please take the time to watch her videos and listen to her message. Also, she really wants to hit 300 likes on her page before she reaches her 30th birthday and although she doesn’t know I’m doing this I would really love to surprise her!

yayAnyway, this was just the introduction to my new segment here on my blog inspired by Kerry and her brilliant message. I’m going to start every post for Feel Good Everyday with a song lyric that I’m currently loving and which has a positive message.

Comment below if you want to turn this into a tag and have a go too or even if you wish to suggest a song!

Sorry that this was long hehe ๐Ÿ˜€

-E

 

Posted in poetry

Difficult People Doing Difficult Things

Difficult people doing difficult things

Requires awkward manoeuvres

Because they think themselves Kings.

I’m not a difficult women

So I can’t play their games

I was raised by my mother

Not by snakes on a plane.

Mean spirited people have a chip on their shoulder

Or rather a huge weight of nastiness

That they try to smother you under.

All of this said we need to put them in place

By thwarting their negativity

With smiles and joy

So we can try and erase.

-E.K.

 

Needless to say I’ve been dealing with difficult people all my life, sometimes the only way to beat them is to carry on enjoying life and not showing them that they’ve won. I had a bad day today – like REALLY bad – I wish I could go into more detail. In which around every corner seemed to be someone trying to drag me down when I was trying to have a positive attitude. I let it out, cried a bit on the phone with my friend whom was having similar woes and then we chuckled all night long.

 

 

 

Posted in poetry

Emotional People Are a Blessing in Disguise

It’s easy to be the weakest link

You’re the open book

You have no tricks up your sleeves

Like these other people thieving

Hearts and secrets

Capitalising from gossip

And false promises.

And yet in the end

We’re the ones they turn too.

The uh-oh I was an idiot to let them go.

We’re not cheaters.

Not con artists.

Plain sailing

Simple creatures

So don’t use sensitivity as an insult

Because it’s incredibly brave

To bare it all to the world.

 

-E

P.S. Listen to this if you’re feeling a bit down, because it takes courage to share your thoughts ๐Ÿ™‚

Posted in poetry

Lifeline

Even if I cut all ties with the world

A piece of thread would still connect us,

Silver and durable

Not even the Fates could cut it.

All your easy smiles

That wash away the big bad thoughts

That threaten me with gnashing teeth

And long sharp claws.

Are instantly thwarted with your magic words

And a ruffling of hair.

You are my lifeline

Eternal, constant, the one certain light-

At the end of the tunnel.

Making life simply good again.

 

E.K.

 

 

Posted in Diary Entry

Diary Entry: 7th July- Hikes, Letters and Getting Personal

I’m in quite a panicky horrible state of mind at the moment and thought that writing would hopefully get me out of this state of mind.

Here goes. A big part of my world is to do with associations. Both negative and positive, for instance sun cream and BBQ smoke both connote happy and light thoughts. On the other hand, I have a big problem at the moment where I am scared of certain objects, scents, feelings and people. If I relate them to a negative instance then I just complete avoidย them. For instance I’m a big Shakespeare fan but I have become incapable of reading any o of his works this Summer because they make me look back on past exam failings.

Even just writing that made my heart leap a little bit.

Another weird thing is that I feel guilty-ย all the time!ย Does that even make sense?

And I guess the cherry on top of this whole thing would be that today I received a letter from a service offering me behavioural cognitive therapy to get me out of this horrible state and to be honest I’m kind of scared about it.

I don’t want to delve into that place… At all. And especially not with a stranger.

But onto happier thoughts. I dragged Alex out to go on a hike yesterday. That might explain the short story I wrote yesterday. Of course I wasn’t really wearing a red dress but rather a red top, high waisted jeans and converse. Close enough eh?

Basically we went up the downs near us, me set with my backpack containing a billion things that we might need (but actually didn’t). And I got sun burnt.

But we say sheep and flowers and the tree cathedral – where we had one of our first dates. And basically it was really fun and I snacked on cheese strings. Although I nearly got us killed walking down a main road and sadly I did indeed actually see a dead bunny.

I think I’ll insert some pictures and you guys will get a sneak peek of my life (disclaimer: despite profile my hair is no longer white but brown).

And a funny thing is that after being outside for the first time in forever, Alex actually got ill the next day! That’s proof enough that he needs to get outside more!

But yes we had a fun little adventure full of fields, sheep, dogs and sunshine.

We’re dog sitting next week so there will probably be a lot of regular blogs on the little escapades that we get up to!

To summarise, moods are still swinging, the future still appears to be impending doom and I can’t stop listening to Bring Me The Horizon which is odd because I’m normally a Taylor Swift kinda gal.

 

Sincerely,

E

xxx