Posted in Diary Entry, life update

Daily Update: Lacking Motivation, Tears and Eating My Weight in Pasta

That title is very depressing.

Wow.

I would like to say that it’s click bait but it really isn’t. This is my life today and I have to be okay with it.

Plus, the thing about blogging is that I need to be honest. Otherwise, really what’s the point. It wouldn’t be interesting if every post was, “Today I woke up and everything was perfect and my day was great. The end.”

Not at all. We are getting all up into the nitty gritty.

Today is going to work and being bored out of my wits.

Today is finally talking to my ex and trying to be friends, and it actually going well. But today is also getting a tad upset and feeling a bit lonesome and listening to sad music and the Scott Pilgrim soundtrack- to the point that Freya tells Holly that she is concerned by my spotify playlists.

But yes, I am sitting here with a plate full of pasta, some mango juice (nearly empty) and my dressing gown on.

All the while staring at a blank Word document with the word Lollard’s written on it and not a will in the earth to actually begin it.

I also have three drafts on wordpress for book and movie reviews that again I have zero motivation to actually finish.

Embrace when you’re sad. Sometimes you need to know what your body needs. So if crying down the phone to one of your best friends about it helps, if angry country music is therapeutic and food. Then just do it.

There will be other, happier days. Today isn’t one of them. But all we can do is be honest with ourselves and then get ourselves together and say chin up!

Life’s a bitch and so am I! ๐Ÿ˜‰

-E xxx

Posted in Diary Entry, life update, Student Story Time

Daily Update: 4 am Walks and Smashing Teacups

No, the latter part of the title is not the name of some super cool band but rather the reality of my terrible waitressing skills.

*Sigh*

Today was an interestingly bland day. I woke up upside down, after topping and tailing with Natalie. I had only gotten a few hours sleep last night due to my flat mate waking me up and then not being able to go back to sleep.

So, logically that would mean the four of us- Me, Nat, Kumar and his friend all going on a walk at 4 am! I am a tad mental to say the least. But yeah it was pretty weird and short lived.

Amazingly, there was a shop still open, one of those gamer ones in which they pull all night Yu-Gi-Oh tournaments or whatever. Now, I’m not dissing them because I personally love that shop. But Kumar’s friend wanted to go in on our way back, so as we all stood outside (in coats and pjs) he went in and looked around.

The door was wide open, and as we walked round the corner of the shop to wait for him instead of by the door Kumar said, “It’s best we keep out of view, them lot will jump on a girl if they saw one.” Savage, right?!

It gets worse.

We weren’t out of earshot so everyone in the shop heard what he said and according to his friend kept giving him dirty looks as he walked back out to meet us.

Darn it!

But yes, surviving on very little sleep (and very little at work tomorrow if I don’t go to bed soon) I went into work and managed to stumble my way over everything. The clumsiness was extreme today. Three broken teacups, dropping a whole load of clean cutlery when refilling and nearly tripping over someones dog.

How am I still employed?

Anyway, I came back absolutely knackered and instead of doing work like I should have, I instead listened to sad music and watched a couple things on netflix.

I had a little cry at one point (due to the sad soppy music, sometimes you just need to let it out) and didn’t realise that Natalie had opened the window before she left earlier!

Gahhh I hope no-one heard me. But knowing my luck they probably did. Never mind.

Speak to you tomorrow, I have a book review I’m just finishing up!

 

-E xxx

Posted in life update

Life Update: Being Single, Friends and Crying (With Laughter) Over Spilt Milk

This is yet another life update, seeing as the last one was very rushed and pretty short.I am currently watching one of my closest friends Natalie pack away her things. She has been living with me for over a week now during Easter break. She’s originally from Malaysia, and catered accommodation kicks everyone out over the breaks which is brutally unfair.

It’s been a pretty eventful time, with a brief visit home for about 4 days on which she accompanied me. We went to St Alban’s to the cathedral and she even got to witness a full blown family dinner – with authentic arguments and more!

My brother introduced (yet another) new girlfriend, then proceeded to try and embarrass me in front of her and Nat. Although, it backfired horribly and he ended up looking even more douchey than usual. My sister came home, mid dinner, drunk and in tears because her so called “friends” had tricked her into eating meat after going without it for two years.

So yes, it was very interesting. And then there was the whole being afraid of bumping into anyone around town who knew about the breakup. I know that sounds very paranoid, but it is a very small town.

Here’s to being a single pringle. It’s a very weird feeling and I won’t lie that I still very guilty about the whole ordeal. But the space was much needed. I just needed to break ties with a lot of things from my old life that I associated with harder times. Unfortunately that meant the break up too.

I just need to learn how to be independent and on my own. I want to do so many things in life and just generally be a little more selfish. I am only 19 after all! We have our whole lives ahead of us!

I like the idea of being able to pick myself up and travel to a new place without anyone knowing who I was or having anything tying me to any one place. Sounds pretty cheesy, eh? I was even thinking about possibly becoming a travel writer. Getting paid to actually go to new places and write about the weird experiences (because believe me there would be a lot) I have. I mean weird shit happens to me almost daily, and that’s in England!

I have enjoyed having Natalie stay with me. We had a lot of laughs, most of them funnily enough to do with milk. There was the time we just bought some new milk and I aggressively pulled the fridge door open in which led to it somersaulting out 007 style and splitting. Milk everywhere. It was on several people’s snapchats.

The milk before that, Nat gave away to my neighbour in another flat. And the one we had before todays, we managed to consume in just ONE DAY.

We have a milk problem, I believe. I mean we drink the stuff like water haha!

Other than that, the only other thing I have to say is that I nearly got hit by a car today. Legit if I hadn’t stepped back onto the curb I would’ve been under their bonnet. Some guy saw it happen and said, “All my daysssss you should be dead, yeah?” to which I weirdly responded with a squeaky, “Sorry!” before hurrying off in embarrassment.

I have work tomorrow and they are trying to teach me how to make a billion different types of coffee which should be interesting, and by interesting I mean end in disaster…

I shall write more tomorrow, I am going to try and be as regular with this blog as I was last month. Which wasn’t amazing, but was good considering this is me we are dealing with aha!

Speak soon,

E xxx

Posted in Diary Entry, Student Story Time

Student Story Time: A Not So Sober Night

I really need my titles to be a tad more inventive.

Oh well it sums it up quite nicely don’t you think?

Basically in true student fashion I experienced some horrifying flash backs to a drunken night that happened the Friday before last night that my brain had been trying desperately to conceal from me for as long as possible.drunk-meme

Thanks brain *pats head* but we all knew this day would come.

So let me fill you guys in. It was Friday Booze Night as my flat mate Molly likes to say (every nights booze night to her though so don’t be fooled into thinking this was a special occasion) and everyone was congregating in our kitchen when I broke out the wine. Now, I had a bad day and so in true Esther fashion popped down to the Sainsbury’s and picked out the highest percent but cheapest wine there.

It was no Tesco Straw Hat* believe you me! This stuff was very very rancid so I applaud myself for drinking as much of it as I did.

But then I noticed out of the corner of my eye Sonia breaking out her precious Fireball whisky. Hmmmm went my brain as I sneakily poured myself some.

Anyone who knows me understands that I have the sweetest tooth known to mankind – let’s be honest my working at a newsagents for two years probably didn’t help the matter and my parents have in fact informed me that since leaving they have saved a lot of money on granulated sugar.

gotSo, we all know how this story is going to go. I downed lots of whisky, went a bit crazy, my flat mate Naveedh had to hide the alcohol from me and has videos of me falling all over the place as you do.

And then the nausea hit me. Like a tonne of bricks. I flew to the toilet and proceeded to throw up. I still shiver at the thought of me touching that disgusting communal toilet. After that I flopped to the ground and Naveedh and Ian proceeded to lift me up and the others tried to get too my room in one piece.

Then Molly let loose her battle cry, “Spooooooooooooooooooooons!”

At those words my head sprung up- and all of a sudden I was determined to make it to Spoons.

Olyvia struggled against me as I tried to get past her to join Molly on her drunken journey to the pub. But Olyvia was having none of it. After thirty seconds of struggling she threw wallme and I “rag dolled” as we are now calling and flew through the air and hit my head against the concrete wall.

This part I remember very clearly, I blacked out for about five seconds and came too to the familiar voices around me.

“She’s dead, you killed her!” Naveedh exclaimed.

To which Olyvia amusingly replied, “Nah she’s fine, she’s still breathing.”

I awoke after that and the rest of the night was characterised by a lot of upchucking- I refuse to say chundered- and lots of honest talking, bawling and laughing on my part. Most of which I don’t remember and wish for it to stay that way.

The next day I was going on a day out with the knitting society to Bakewell and lets just say I woke up wondering why I was wearing a bambi nighty with pikachu shorts…

My fashion sense when drunk clearly isn’t the best to say the least.

-E

P.S. This might become a new segment on my blog of all the weird things that have happened to me as a student. I’m going clubbing next Tuesday for my birthday and I’m certain that there will definitely be a story there.

 

 

Posted in Diary Entry

Diary Entry: 7th July- Hikes, Letters and Getting Personal

I’m in quite a panicky horrible state of mind at the moment and thought that writing would hopefully get me out of this state of mind.

Here goes. A big part of my world is to do with associations. Both negative and positive, for instance sun cream and BBQ smoke both connote happy and light thoughts. On the other hand, I have a big problem at the moment where I am scared of certain objects, scents, feelings and people. If I relate them to a negative instance then I just complete avoidย them. For instance I’m a big Shakespeare fan but I have become incapable of reading any o of his works this Summer because they make me look back on past exam failings.

Even just writing that made my heart leap a little bit.

Another weird thing is that I feel guilty-ย all the time!ย Does that even make sense?

And I guess the cherry on top of this whole thing would be that today I received a letter from a service offering me behavioural cognitive therapy to get me out of this horrible state and to be honest I’m kind of scared about it.

I don’t want to delve into that place… At all. And especially not with a stranger.

But onto happier thoughts. I dragged Alex out to go on a hike yesterday. That might explain the short story I wrote yesterday. Of course I wasn’t really wearing a red dress but rather a red top, high waisted jeans and converse. Close enough eh?

Basically we went up the downs near us, me set with my backpack containing a billion things that we might need (but actually didn’t). And I got sun burnt.

But we say sheep and flowers and the tree cathedral – where we had one of our first dates. And basically it was really fun and I snacked on cheese strings. Although I nearly got us killed walking down a main road and sadly I did indeed actually see a dead bunny.

I think I’ll insert some pictures and you guys will get a sneak peek of my life (disclaimer: despite profile my hair is no longer white but brown).

And a funny thing is that after being outside for the first time in forever, Alex actually got ill the next day! That’s proof enough that he needs to get outside more!

But yes we had a fun little adventure full of fields, sheep, dogs and sunshine.

We’re dog sitting next week so there will probably be a lot of regular blogs on the little escapades that we get up to!

To summarise, moods are still swinging, the future still appears to be impending doom and I can’t stop listening to Bring Me The Horizon which is odd because I’m normally a Taylor Swift kinda gal.

 

Sincerely,

E

xxx

 

 

Posted in Diary Entry

Diary Entry~ 4th July

This is a celebratory day for the Americans if I am correct? And yet I feel awful or perhaps mildly off and panicked.

I’ve had a reasonably interesting couple of days including prom on Friday in which I did indeed win the Most Breakdowns award because my school is incredibly sensitive to mental health issues. Still, I’ll ย be out soon if things go to plan.

I still need to sort out my accommodation but the thought of it makes me feel quite sick. I went to the GP today, they did two tests on me one for Anxiety and the other for Depression I scored high on both and start cognitive behavioural therapy soon.

What has my life ย become?

A series of paranoid steps and events, everything ย becoming emphasised and blown out of proportion. Is this normal? Nope.

How am I going to cope in University? And how will my relationship last with Alex? How will he cope with me when he’s struggling now.

I feel sick.

I went shopping today. I bought far too much and that’s just another thing to worry about. It always happens as well.

I’ve also realised that I need to exercise and my chapter for wattpad still isn’t finished. So typical, my life is ย just full of incomplete tasks with little to none achievements. Let’s see how long this blog lasts, okay?

I’m sure it will become an unused dusty place on the internet. A collection of memories that I’ll attempt to blank as things escalate.

The calm panic is scary.

Yes, I am aware that was an oxymoron but it’s no less the truth. It’s an undercurrent that follows me around on a day to day basis just waiting to jump out at me when I least expect it.

I’m meant to be going to Alex’s tomorrow- I don’t want to go outside maybe I should just stay in and watch stuff all day.

No that’s a bad idea then I’d be giving into it.

Isn’t it weird how the human body is capable of causing such severe emotions and thoughts, do animals and plants experience depression? Perhaps being “blessed” with a self aware brain was a punishment rather than an advantage.

I can’t even get away from myself. That reminds me of a quote Alex’s mum, Suzie told me the other day. I wonder if I can remember who wrote it…. The extract was from Essays In Love by Alain de Botton in which the writer comments on watching the sun set and the beautiful view he was experiencing, however the only problem with this positive moment was bringing himself with him.

How funny? And yet it’s completely true, these horrid emotions are unavoidable I can’t leave them in the other room and say I’ll come back for you later. There’s no break and no easy way out, it’s going to take a lot of work to get me back to my current state.

Can I do it by August?

Who knows.

Sorry for the erratic thoughts of this post, I’ve fallen into a rut and had to keep myself occupied even if it meant being scarily honest on the internet.

I am worried about this treatment, hopefully it works…

Sincerely,

E

xxx

Posted in Uncategorized

Diary Entry~ 29th June

Hey guys, today has been a bit of a roller coaster of emotions, to be completely unoriginal. As I’m writing this I am still in my dressing gown, my rooms a tip and I have achieved next to nothing today.

As an update, I finally talked to Alex today and cleared the air. We talked a lot (actually technically I’m still on Skype with him whilst writing this entry) and now we understand each other.

There were some tears but I’m feeling a lot better about everything. I haven’t had a panic attack today which is good, but I am still unable to sleep.

Uuuuugh my to- do list is ever growing though!

Things Esther has to do today:

  • Write a chapter on Wattpad.
  • Gardening
  • Clean my room
  • Organise my clothes
  • Write a poem on this blog
  • Make dinner
  • Put the washing out
  • Take a bubble bath
  • Sort out feet for prom
  • Wear a face mask
  • Jog
  • Read
  • Draft out new story on Wattpad
  • Draft ย out following chapters
  • Make hair appointment.
  • Finish Future Learn course.
  • List of top favourite animes to watch!

Something tells me I’m going to stuggle getting all this done today but oh well. I think some other posts on this blog other than these entries and poetry will probably include essays on writers and historical information as well as book reviews….

I just need to keep myself busy!

Anyway if I get my chapter out today at the very least I’ll feel good about things. Lets get motivaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaated!

Lots of love and jelly tots,

E

xxx