Posted in poetry

Lifeline

Even if I cut all ties with the world

A piece of thread would still connect us,

Silver and durable

Not even the Fates could cut it.

All your easy smiles

That wash away the big bad thoughts

That threaten me with gnashing teeth

And long sharp claws.

Are instantly thwarted with your magic words

And a ruffling of hair.

You are my lifeline

Eternal, constant, the one certain light-

At the end of the tunnel.

Making life simply good again.

 

E.K.

 

 

Advertisements
Posted in Diary Entry

Diary Entry: 7th July- Hikes, Letters and Getting Personal

I’m in quite a panicky horrible state of mind at the moment and thought that writing would hopefully get me out of this state of mind.

Here goes. A big part of my world is to do with associations. Both negative and positive, for instance sun cream and BBQ smoke both connote happy and light thoughts. On the other hand, I have a big problem at the moment where I am scared of certain objects, scents, feelings and people. If I relate them to a negative instance then I just complete avoid them. For instance I’m a big Shakespeare fan but I have become incapable of reading any o of his works this Summer because they make me look back on past exam failings.

Even just writing that made my heart leap a little bit.

Another weird thing is that I feel guilty- all the time! Does that even make sense?

And I guess the cherry on top of this whole thing would be that today I received a letter from a service offering me behavioural cognitive therapy to get me out of this horrible state and to be honest I’m kind of scared about it.

I don’t want to delve into that place… At all. And especially not with a stranger.

But onto happier thoughts. I dragged Alex out to go on a hike yesterday. That might explain the short story I wrote yesterday. Of course I wasn’t really wearing a red dress but rather a red top, high waisted jeans and converse. Close enough eh?

Basically we went up the downs near us, me set with my backpack containing a billion things that we might need (but actually didn’t). And I got sun burnt.

But we say sheep and flowers and the tree cathedral – where we had one of our first dates. And basically it was really fun and I snacked on cheese strings. Although I nearly got us killed walking down a main road and sadly I did indeed actually see a dead bunny.

I think I’ll insert some pictures and you guys will get a sneak peek of my life (disclaimer: despite profile my hair is no longer white but brown).

And a funny thing is that after being outside for the first time in forever, Alex actually got ill the next day! That’s proof enough that he needs to get outside more!

But yes we had a fun little adventure full of fields, sheep, dogs and sunshine.

We’re dog sitting next week so there will probably be a lot of regular blogs on the little escapades that we get up to!

To summarise, moods are still swinging, the future still appears to be impending doom and I can’t stop listening to Bring Me The Horizon which is odd because I’m normally a Taylor Swift kinda gal.

 

Sincerely,

E

xxx

 

 

Posted in fiction

Story: Wrapped in Darkness.

She sat at home and looked at the screen. The cursor appeared and disappeared repeatedly as she sought something to write about.

Fiction appeared to come so easily to some people and she had a huge imagination but it was always left unfinished, wayward and never meeting her expectations. Still, today had been eventful. Her and her knight had decided to go on a walk.

She’d worn the crimson dress, the one that layers fell like perfectly formed petals around her form. And he of course turned up in black jeans and his favourite worn black polo top.

The trees leaned over them, swaying side to side the murmurs of their conversations floating through the air and being carried away by the light summer breeze.

She turned to look at him, her brown hair fanning around her face as he shoved his hand in his pockets and grinned at her easily.

She attempted to gracefully tiptoe through the mildewed grass but tripped and fell to the floor.

Her mind raced as she dug her hands into the dirt. It turned out that the ground wasn’t a glistening emerald sea as she had been tricked into believing but rather crawling with bugs and decomposing flesh as she saw a dead rabbit being attacked by flies feasting on the creatures innards.

Oh no, oh no, oh no! The world was full of death and decomposition. Each and every being a heartless monster ready to feed on the innocent. Glancing around, her eyes drank in the dark and dreary forest and the blank eyes that looked out at her. The trees now appeared intimidating as they towered above her. And the flowers were slumped over, lying like dead maidens whose youth this forest had drank away.

She was in a deep hole, the walls of which filled with worms and bugs that clicked and cackled at her as she attempted to climb the steep incline above her.

It was a nightmare. And worse than death. She was alone, she was terrified and could feel herself falling apart. Her mouth was dry and words seemed to fail her. She tried to cry out for anyone, anything to help her but the cruel wind robbed her of  her voice. Her arms no longer worked and her skin instead of dewey alabaster seemed to flake off like dry paint, her eyes were becoming cloudy and she felt her body croak and groan as she fell deeper and deeper.

She became wrapped in darkness.

Then suddenly a hand extended  itself to her. Stunned, she was thrown a ladder down the hole and slowly but surely with the help of the hand was able to escape the pit.

It was tedious and long, the panic still mounted from time to time but it wasn’t as all encompassing as before. Someone was there to guide her out of the hell she had created.

When she finally reached the top she met a familiar gawkish grin and blinked as the darkness was replaced with the light embrace of the knight. He was unafraid and strong -prepared to keep the darkness at bay. His brown hair was dishevelled and he coaxed her out of hiding the dark parts of her, looking all the while like a spooked doe eyed deer. He wasn’t disgusted by her insecurities and was prepared to fight the enemies that grew inside her mind, fending them off with humour and wit.

Occasionally, it made attempts to overpower her, twisting her reality and allowing the fear to seep through her defences. But he alongside a small gang of rebels were always there to fend it off.

 

Just a little short story about depression and escaping something that appears so big and all encompassing. We all need a little help and I was inspired to write this after going for a long hike today with my boyfriend, anything to escape my own thoughts. Hope someone enjoyed it. This is a way I think appropriately explains my panic attacks, as something so small can sometimes send me into a tizzy of fear and dread. 

Sincerely, 

E

xxx

 

Posted in poetry

Puzzle Piece

Dappled sunlight spilling over

Your hazel – gold eyes meet my own.

And you don’t know that in this moment

You’re slowly fixing me together

All the broken innards

And dusty remnants

The cogs and wheels

That were long left to rust.

I was convinced this was un-fixable

How is it that you act so invincible?

I’m just grateful I’ve not been left to

Collect dust.

 

My mind was broken long before you

I long to hide the cracks in my paint

The chip on my shoulder

That I cannot shake.

This conflict is deep rooted

And yet you say its undisputed

That you love me-

You are my missing puzzle piece.

 

 

Posted in Diary Entry

Diary Entry~ 4th July

This is a celebratory day for the Americans if I am correct? And yet I feel awful or perhaps mildly off and panicked.

I’ve had a reasonably interesting couple of days including prom on Friday in which I did indeed win the Most Breakdowns award because my school is incredibly sensitive to mental health issues. Still, I’ll  be out soon if things go to plan.

I still need to sort out my accommodation but the thought of it makes me feel quite sick. I went to the GP today, they did two tests on me one for Anxiety and the other for Depression I scored high on both and start cognitive behavioural therapy soon.

What has my life  become?

A series of paranoid steps and events, everything  becoming emphasised and blown out of proportion. Is this normal? Nope.

How am I going to cope in University? And how will my relationship last with Alex? How will he cope with me when he’s struggling now.

I feel sick.

I went shopping today. I bought far too much and that’s just another thing to worry about. It always happens as well.

I’ve also realised that I need to exercise and my chapter for wattpad still isn’t finished. So typical, my life is  just full of incomplete tasks with little to none achievements. Let’s see how long this blog lasts, okay?

I’m sure it will become an unused dusty place on the internet. A collection of memories that I’ll attempt to blank as things escalate.

The calm panic is scary.

Yes, I am aware that was an oxymoron but it’s no less the truth. It’s an undercurrent that follows me around on a day to day basis just waiting to jump out at me when I least expect it.

I’m meant to be going to Alex’s tomorrow- I don’t want to go outside maybe I should just stay in and watch stuff all day.

No that’s a bad idea then I’d be giving into it.

Isn’t it weird how the human body is capable of causing such severe emotions and thoughts, do animals and plants experience depression? Perhaps being “blessed” with a self aware brain was a punishment rather than an advantage.

I can’t even get away from myself. That reminds me of a quote Alex’s mum, Suzie told me the other day. I wonder if I can remember who wrote it…. The extract was from Essays In Love by Alain de Botton in which the writer comments on watching the sun set and the beautiful view he was experiencing, however the only problem with this positive moment was bringing himself with him.

How funny? And yet it’s completely true, these horrid emotions are unavoidable I can’t leave them in the other room and say I’ll come back for you later. There’s no break and no easy way out, it’s going to take a lot of work to get me back to my current state.

Can I do it by August?

Who knows.

Sorry for the erratic thoughts of this post, I’ve fallen into a rut and had to keep myself occupied even if it meant being scarily honest on the internet.

I am worried about this treatment, hopefully it works…

Sincerely,

E

xxx

Posted in poetry

The City of Atlantis

The oceans above me

But there’s weights tied to my feet

The empty laughs, empty smiles

Fleeting sunshine-

Fleeting memories-

All encompass me

Overwhelming

And I wish I could swim

That my arms weren’t broken

Now my bodies folding in

As the blackness takes over

Lost forever with the forgotten city

For souls as black as mine

I’ve found Atlanta.

Posted in Uncategorized

Diary Entry~ 29th June

Hey guys, today has been a bit of a roller coaster of emotions, to be completely unoriginal. As I’m writing this I am still in my dressing gown, my rooms a tip and I have achieved next to nothing today.

As an update, I finally talked to Alex today and cleared the air. We talked a lot (actually technically I’m still on Skype with him whilst writing this entry) and now we understand each other.

There were some tears but I’m feeling a lot better about everything. I haven’t had a panic attack today which is good, but I am still unable to sleep.

Uuuuugh my to- do list is ever growing though!

Things Esther has to do today:

  • Write a chapter on Wattpad.
  • Gardening
  • Clean my room
  • Organise my clothes
  • Write a poem on this blog
  • Make dinner
  • Put the washing out
  • Take a bubble bath
  • Sort out feet for prom
  • Wear a face mask
  • Jog
  • Read
  • Draft out new story on Wattpad
  • Draft  out following chapters
  • Make hair appointment.
  • Finish Future Learn course.
  • List of top favourite animes to watch!

Something tells me I’m going to stuggle getting all this done today but oh well. I think some other posts on this blog other than these entries and poetry will probably include essays on writers and historical information as well as book reviews….

I just need to keep myself busy!

Anyway if I get my chapter out today at the very least I’ll feel good about things. Lets get motivaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaated!

Lots of love and jelly tots,

E

xxx