I’m in quite a panicky horrible state of mind at the moment and thought that writing would hopefully get me out of this state of mind.
Here goes. A big part of my world is to do with associations. Both negative and positive, for instance sun cream and BBQ smoke both connote happy and light thoughts. On the other hand, I have a big problem at the moment where I am scared of certain objects, scents, feelings and people. If I relate them to a negative instance then I just complete avoid them. For instance I’m a big Shakespeare fan but I have become incapable of reading any o of his works this Summer because they make me look back on past exam failings.
Even just writing that made my heart leap a little bit.
Another weird thing is that I feel guilty- all the time! Does that even make sense?
And I guess the cherry on top of this whole thing would be that today I received a letter from a service offering me behavioural cognitive therapy to get me out of this horrible state and to be honest I’m kind of scared about it.
I don’t want to delve into that place… At all. And especially not with a stranger.
But onto happier thoughts. I dragged Alex out to go on a hike yesterday. That might explain the short story I wrote yesterday. Of course I wasn’t really wearing a red dress but rather a red top, high waisted jeans and converse. Close enough eh?
Basically we went up the downs near us, me set with my backpack containing a billion things that we might need (but actually didn’t). And I got sun burnt.
But we say sheep and flowers and the tree cathedral – where we had one of our first dates. And basically it was really fun and I snacked on cheese strings. Although I nearly got us killed walking down a main road and sadly I did indeed actually see a dead bunny.
I think I’ll insert some pictures and you guys will get a sneak peek of my life (disclaimer: despite profile my hair is no longer white but brown).
And a funny thing is that after being outside for the first time in forever, Alex actually got ill the next day! That’s proof enough that he needs to get outside more!
But yes we had a fun little adventure full of fields, sheep, dogs and sunshine.
We’re dog sitting next week so there will probably be a lot of regular blogs on the little escapades that we get up to!
To summarise, moods are still swinging, the future still appears to be impending doom and I can’t stop listening to Bring Me The Horizon which is odd because I’m normally a Taylor Swift kinda gal.