Posted in Diary Entry

Diary Entry~ 4th July

This is a celebratory day for the Americans if I am correct? And yet I feel awful or perhaps mildly off and panicked.

I’ve had a reasonably interesting couple of days including prom on Friday in which I did indeed win the Most Breakdowns award because my school is incredibly sensitive to mental health issues. Still, I’ll  be out soon if things go to plan.

I still need to sort out my accommodation but the thought of it makes me feel quite sick. I went to the GP today, they did two tests on me one for Anxiety and the other for Depression I scored high on both and start cognitive behavioural therapy soon.

What has my life  become?

A series of paranoid steps and events, everything  becoming emphasised and blown out of proportion. Is this normal? Nope.

How am I going to cope in University? And how will my relationship last with Alex? How will he cope with me when he’s struggling now.

I feel sick.

I went shopping today. I bought far too much and that’s just another thing to worry about. It always happens as well.

I’ve also realised that I need to exercise and my chapter for wattpad still isn’t finished. So typical, my life is  just full of incomplete tasks with little to none achievements. Let’s see how long this blog lasts, okay?

I’m sure it will become an unused dusty place on the internet. A collection of memories that I’ll attempt to blank as things escalate.

The calm panic is scary.

Yes, I am aware that was an oxymoron but it’s no less the truth. It’s an undercurrent that follows me around on a day to day basis just waiting to jump out at me when I least expect it.

I’m meant to be going to Alex’s tomorrow- I don’t want to go outside maybe I should just stay in and watch stuff all day.

No that’s a bad idea then I’d be giving into it.

Isn’t it weird how the human body is capable of causing such severe emotions and thoughts, do animals and plants experience depression? Perhaps being “blessed” with a self aware brain was a punishment rather than an advantage.

I can’t even get away from myself. That reminds me of a quote Alex’s mum, Suzie told me the other day. I wonder if I can remember who wrote it…. The extract was from Essays In Love by Alain de Botton in which the writer comments on watching the sun set and the beautiful view he was experiencing, however the only problem with this positive moment was bringing himself with him.

How funny? And yet it’s completely true, these horrid emotions are unavoidable I can’t leave them in the other room and say I’ll come back for you later. There’s no break and no easy way out, it’s going to take a lot of work to get me back to my current state.

Can I do it by August?

Who knows.

Sorry for the erratic thoughts of this post, I’ve fallen into a rut and had to keep myself occupied even if it meant being scarily honest on the internet.

I am worried about this treatment, hopefully it works…

Sincerely,

E

xxx

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