Walking on thin ice.
That’s how I would describe my day today. It was meant to be the official start to my summer with Alex’s final exam and pizza and anime back at mine.
And yes, it was fun in most regards but otherwise I just felt kinda blah. I already knew the day would come to an end and that I would be alone again.
It sounds selfish that I didn’t want him to leave if I had it my way. But I get that everyone needs breathing space- especially when they have to deal with a depressed girlfriend whose mood swings are very unpredictable.
I guess I just don’t know how to handle myself… and Alex does. When I’m with him for even the shortest amount of time I start to feel myself again.
That’s not to mean that the relationship is perfect. Like I said, we are two very different people Alex loves being isolated and alone whereas I need to be surrounded with people and constantly have a go-to plan for the day.
Because of this there have been some clashes. Alex, despite spending most of his time alone playing games is extremely positive and cheerful, he doubts nothing, fears nothing… basically he lives the carpe diem life. Whereas I’m a worrier, plan for the future, feel like a failure type of person.
And because of these key differences sometimes I find that we struggle to communicate. If I call him upset the conversation is normally one sided with lots of pauses as I wait for him to reply, and when he doesn’t and I ask why not it’s because he doesn’t know what to say to me. He’s never been in my situation and therefore doesn’t understand how anyone could possibly not just get over things.
And I’m not criticising him, his outlook on life is enviable if anything. But sometimes a bit of reassurance would be nice. Instead of wanting alone time I would love for him to invite me over even if just for an hour for a hug and then go home.
Gawd I sound clingy. I know that but there’s reason behind it. For instance, today I had possibly the worst episode ever, uncontrollable panic, scratching myself, hitting my head.
It was scary.
So scary that I dread being alone tomorrow. Even with a to- do list my days feel wasted and with my prom on Friday I am even more so filled with anxiety of seeing people I long to forget and trying to look put together.
The cruelest thing is that they even have a Most Breakdowns award, and guess whose the main contender!
Anyway to summarise my thoughts, I just want to be able to feel comfortable in my own skin again and enjoy spending time alone. My mum is already doubting my ability to go to University in a couple of months and I don’t blame her.
This was incredibly long but luckily I doubt anyone online will read this and if you have then I commend you. At least I have writing and my holiday to France to occupy my mind. Maybe I’ll get my hair cut or read a book tomorrow.
Who knows? I might even go for a walk!